Eternity In Our Hearts

Settle Down

2011-08-04T08:35:00.000-07:00

And the God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

I Peter 5:10

…no more wiggling

“Settle down!” I remind Nathan and Grace when they come in with their active play from outdoors. There just isn’t enough room for them to play in the same way in our house. “Settle down,” I whisper as I hush Grace after she has gotten a scrape. “Settle down,” I tell our children as we walk into the sanctuary before the service starts. Some places are intended for quietness. At times I “settle” Grace in to the car for a long ride with a pillow and blanket or “settle” her into bed for the night – no more wiggling. “Settle down!” I urge Lissy when she phones home in the midst of a stressful moment.

…grass is always greener

Settle down is what I’ve been trying to do all my life. We Americans say our early pioneers “settled” our country when they built houses and began farming the west. We say young people “settle down” when they get married and start a family. To settle down is so stable, so steadfast, so at peace. Wanderlust, the longing to move on or to try a new lifestyle, keeps me from ever feeling too settled. Even when it appears that my home is settled in one place, my heart seems unwilling to settle down. The grass is always greener syndrome kicks in. In Indonesia… In Oregon… In Chicago… In Estonia… In Switzerland… In Cameroon… In some new unknown location life would be easier, better, simpler, more stress-free. I’d at least be trading known frustrations for a new adventure… For the first time in my life the grass is literally greener in my own front yard. Our newly planted crop is the greenest in our whole town and reminded me of my “grass is always greener” syndrome. A move never solves all my problems. My heart is ever unsettled.

…settle down

In I Peter it says that God will make me firm and steadfast. Another version says he will “settle” me. Isn’t it good that I don’t have to “calm myself down”, that God will do the “settling”. Somehow he will cause my heart to calm down in the midst of those situations that cause me to worry. Where will we find the money for yet another emergency? How will we provide the good things our children should have like braces? Where will I find the wisdom to help them pursue the right choices as they finish high school? He will settle me when I tend to grasp at straws and squirm under life’s pressures. We’re told that he whose heart is steadfast trusts in God. How do I settle down? Trust. Calming my heart does not depend on location or even on any outside circumstance. Just as Grace must trust me to comfort her when she is sad, to provide her with a warm blanket and a safe place to sleep, to quiet her in my arms, so I must trust God for comfort, provision, and his quieting presence.

Aliens and Strangers

2011-07-30T10:28:00.000-07:00

All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country – a heavenly one. Therefore, God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. Hebrews 11: 13-16

…aliens and strangers

For two years, I’ve struggled to find home in my passport country. We’ve built a house, rekindled friendships, trekked across America visiting relatives, forged new friendships, and introduced our kids to their passport country with all its culture and quirks. Some things are so familiar, so reassuring. Other days I watch with distaste and I would rather never adjust completely to this place. Shopping is so easy, but materialism so rampant. Casual clothes are so comfortable, but why do all my neighbors wear jeans and t-shirts to the fine arts concert at school? Understanding the nuances of the language around me is a daily relief, but the language and images on our television is frightening. In many ways, I will never again be home in this world. I admit it: I’m an alien in my passport country. I look like I belong, I sound like I belong, I may even act like I belong, but I will always be a stranger in the way I think.

…opportunity to return

Some days I wish to pack my bags and hop on an airplane. Not because I’m convinced that God needs me on the other side of the world, but because I miss the lifestyle of travel, and the challenge of interacting with people who think differently than me. I long to bump into people who are comfortable with transition between place and culture, who understand my reference points. I wish for my kids to find a place of belonging outside of our house. I’d love to show my family my childhood haunts, or visit the places of their childhood with them once more. How fantastic it would be to hug a friend and chat over a cup of tea or celebrate Midsummer’s Eve again. Other days I just wish to fit in, to think the way my friends and neighbors in rural Wisconsin think, to be satisfied with similar pursuits.

But do I long to be wholly comfortable with my passport culture? No. I prefer the person and the perspective I am now. The inclinations of my heart grow more and more like they should be with each passing challenge and change God has allowed me to experience.

…a better country

For that matter, do I long to be comfortable in this fallen world? Sometimes, but I recognize that those moments of joy and satisfaction are on the whole a shadow of the perfectness to come, not a reality to expect in this life. On days when my life as a pastor’s wife shows me again and again the tragedy and sadness of this world, I am so glad to remember that many people have died living by faith, and welcoming the things promised from a distance. Therein lies the poignancy of the day to day: to bear the heartaches and the longings… to see what could be but isn’t... to admit that life isn’t what it should be… to see sin and its consequences around me… to cry for what is… and all the while to catch glimpses of the things promised and to welcome them from a distance. And then I realize that although I am an alien, I am not alone. It is as it should be. Any believer, no matter where we take up residence, should feel the same way I do, never quite comfortable, always longing for a better country.

Whispers

2010-12-13T19:46:00.000-08:00

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Oh Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.” Psalm 19:14

My voice is still scratchy. I won’t be singing for awhile. Pneumonia has had its way in my body this fall. But after a month of whispers, my voice is on its way back. While whispering, my thoughts wandered around these ideas:

When I whisper, others have to come close to hear me…

No more hollering between rooms or passing messages from one floor of the house to another. If Brian wanted my opinion on a matter, he had to come close. If the kids wanted my help or permission to go somewhere, they had to get near to me for the answer. Scripture compares God’s voice to a whisper. Am I close enough to hear it? James tells us, “Draw near to God and he will draw near to you.” Have I “drawn near” to God? Have I sat down at his feet and listened? Have I heard his whispers of love, of guidance? Oh God, please whisper to me…

When I whisper, others often whisper back…

It’s as if quiet becomes the rule. It’s not posted anywhere, “NO TALKING OUT LOUD”. But the natural response is for soft words to reign. Grace whispered her answers to me. The nurses whispered back to me. Even people on the phone responded with a whisper. When God whispers, do I whisper also? Am I letting him set the tone of my life? Do I pass his gentleness on? Are my words worth hearing, like his? Oh God, let me mimic you…

When I can only whisper, I listen far more, and the words I choose are not idle…

The more I used my voice, the more it hurt. So I only whispered when it was of some value to me. Small talk? I’d rather not talk. I thought of Zachariah who couldn’t talk at all. When writing, he had no use for small talk and got right to the point, “His name is John.” – an answer in obedience, exactly as God had directed. Now that I have the option, am I still choosing my words with care? Am I wasting my breath and voice box on worthless drivel and idle chatter? Oh Lord, may my words be pleasing…

“May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Oh Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.”

The Master Builder

2010-09-13T18:38:00.000-07:00

Psalm 127:1-2

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain.

Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain.

In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat –

For he grants sleep to those he loves.

The sounds of summer have given way to the murmurs of fall, the shouts of kids enjoying the sun replaced by quiet steady rainfall while they are in school. In this moment I realize that a year has come full circle. The sounds of hammers and air compressors have given way to the quiet hum of a refrigerator in a new kitchen, the buzz of saws replaced by a peaceful minute to reflect.

building…

Our project nears completion. A year ago, brambles scratched our legs as we looked over a building site. Today we walk down a poured concrete drive, up the porch steps and enter a beautiful front door. Many hours measuring, cutting, holding, nailing, staining, and sanding show up in warm floors and cozy walls. But a year of building yields more than a house.

With each friend who stopped by to lend a hand for a day, God was building friendship and community into our lives. With each construction loan payment, God was building our trust in his provision. We had learned to see his provision through a missionary paycheck, but now his provision comes from so many sources, food from a friend’s garden, hand-me-downs from a cousin, a mechanic who keeps our cars running without charging us. With the completion of a new mailbox and numbers on our house, God was building a sense of rootedness and belonging for this family of wanderers. With looming deadlines, God was building perseverance and patience into our character.

guarding…

In our little town, our doors are always open, but that doesn’t mean we’re not watching out. This move to small town USA has been all about guarding our family. In fact, as a pastor’s family, guardianship is a key part of shepherding our church family as well. So we as parents stand guard as we watch what media enters our home and as we discuss the concepts that come home in public school textbooks. We stand guard over our church family as we pray for them, learn to know their hearts, teach and encourage them. We even try to stand guard over our own hearts because we are all prone to wander.

sleeping…

Building and guarding a family, building and guarding a church family requires many hours. These hours are not spent measuring, cutting, nailing, and staining, but praying, listening, learning, and guiding. We often rise early or stay up late, toiling for sustenance that will nourish us and strengthen us to live well. But isn’t it good to know that these efforts are not in vain because “while they sleep” the Master Builder and Watchman “provides for those he loves.”

Giants in the Land

2009-08-22T08:18:00.000-07:00

He is your praise; he is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes. Deuteronomy 10:21

…giants
When we made the decision to return to the States and resign from missions six months ago, our situation seemed bleak. We owed monthly payments on a house in a country where we no longer lived. We had no job. We have four children to house and feed. We were giving up what felt to us like a stable and secure financial situation to move to northern Wisconsin. Lots of factors led to our decisions, but the long and short of it is that we felt God was leading us to a pretty narrow geographical region, within about a 30 mile radius of a little town we used to live in, Ogema. We felt like we were facing giants in the land. Where would we get a job or a house in this little place? What about all the people losing jobs in America? Isn’t it a bit crazy to quit ours, especially realizing our limited marketable skills? Why not go somewhere bigger, with more opportunities? But we did indeed sense God’s specific leading and began to act upon it.

…conquering the giants
And like the Israelites as they obeyed the specific direction of the Lord, we have seen God go before us, performing miracles on our behalf. Six months later, looking back, we can see the hand of God and his amazing timing and his awesome wonders in our life.

Five months ago, we heard of four pastoral positions opening up in a span of six months, all within the radius we wanted to be in, so we applied. This was a miracle all by itself, since there are so few evangelical churches in this area.

Three months ago, a friend went to work looking for suitable housing for us. She found a four bedroom house, fully furnished, for us to use over the summer. Wow! Does God care? Does he provide?

Two months ago we learned that one of the churches was not going to hire Brian. A few days later another of the churches called to schedule a phone interview with him, so two days after we arrived in the U.S.A. he was already doing a job interview. God provided clothes, sports equipment, food, dishes, help moving in to our new home, free passes to the Creation Museum for our family vacation, and so many more little things as we made the transition to our new temporary home.

And within the last two weeks, God’s timing in our lives has been so evident. Two days before our power of attorney ran out in Estonia, our house sold and closed! We no longer had to worry about travelling back to sell our house and instead of payments on a house we aren’t using, we have a great down payment on a new place. Several days later, Woodland Church called Brian to be their pastor. So not only has God given us a job, but he has given us the desire of our heart, to continue serving in a ministry setting full time. Not a lot of houses are available in this little area that are suitable for our family, so God did another little miracle for our family by making a 2 acre plot of land available for purchase right on the road at the edge of town where we hoped to be and allowing us to start a family project we’ve always dreamed of – building a home. And to make it all possible we needed a house to rent for one year. So to top it all off, a house just right for our family will be ready to move in to this week, and not a day earlier, just in time to get settled before school starts.
… living in the land
We began to worship with our new church family yesterday, and feel so blessed to be loved right from the start, to know that God has led us together beyond any shadow of doubt, by his direct intervention in our lives, and in his perfect timing. We don’t know what is in store for our family or for our new church family, but whatever may come in the days ahead, we do know that God has clearly placed us among these people.

Like the Israelites, we are a stiff-necked people. God hasn’t given us his blessing because of our merit, but only because he has chosen us to be his own and because of his great mercy. To think that a year ago, we almost came to the states, bypassing Cameroon. Had we not obeyed and gone to Cameroon, we would have missed seeing this season of blessing in our lives. Often he allows us to wander in the desert, teaching us, humbling us to walk in his ways. But once in a while, he allows us to see his great wonders in our lives. Forbid that we should become proud and think that we “did” any of this or forget the Lord our God, who has done these things. We, like the Israelites, must be careful to remember him as we eat and are satisfied, as we build a house and settle down, to remember to give him the praise. “And now, O Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the Lord’s commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?” Deut. 10:12-13

Beside Quiet Waters

2009-07-07T17:52:00.000-07:00

“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.” Psalm 23 1-3

Whirlwind . . .

A busy weekend included a grand, colorful, and jubilant graduation ceremony with several thousand people celebrating together and parties afterwards. It also included the last stages of packing and parting with stuff as we prepared to leave the place that had been our home for the academic year. And much of our busy weekend was spent saying good-bye to people who had become special to us over the course of the year. Two days of travelling for the last time over bumpy roads reminded us that Cameroon was going to keep on being Cameroon right through to the end of our stay. Our bags and shoes were doused with muddy water coming through the rusted floor of our taxi as we drove over mud holes in the road and the toilet in our guest house on the way out was not working. Stepping onto the Swiss plane in Douala, Cameroon was like stepping into another world. One day and two continents later, we greeted grandparents and relatives, ate Dairy Queen and Taco Bell, admired the well manicured lawns of suburbia, purchased a car, a couch and a computer, and went to an amusement park.

We face a multitude of choice wherever we go. Shopping for simple items and ordering at a fast food restaurant make for stressful moments as we relearn how to live in the United States. After ten months with nowhere to go and having to create our own excitement, we have a myriad of activities to choose from, from jumping on the trampoline at Grandma’s to the go-kart to fishing to shopping to …to…to……. Of course, some things take no thought at all. Hug that special person again? You bet – I have to make up for all the hugs I missed these last four years. Haircut and highlights? Absolutely, no matter the cost! Pedicure to remove the red dirt? Gotta schedule that!

Beside quiet waters . . .

In the midst of all the changes and choices, I could easily be overwhelmed. But I am reminded that He is leading me. As we walk through the doors He has opened for us, like moving back to Wisconsin, we realize that He is leading us to just the right spot for our family at this time. As we drove the six hours northwest from Chicago, we left suburbia behind and found ourselves in the north woods. The terrain and trees are familiar and pleasant, not much different from the northern country of Estonia – plenty of birch and pine. The stress of a year left me with each turn of the tires. The lakes, the sky, the trees refresh my soul. But even more refreshing is the assurance that God is leading the way. His rod nudges me to the right place for my soul. And he provides more than a place to be restored, he provides the people who welcome us with food and help unload our truck, people who set-up and clean as we settle in. He sends old friends and a few new ones to make sure more than our stuff is unpacked, but help us unpack our hearts as well with a few well-worded questions and a listening ear. He provides a home just three doors down from the church where we can use wifi and just across the street from the elementary school where our kids can play. He notices my fifteen year old by giving her a cousin who just decided to buy her a hair straightener and curling iron to replace the 220 V versions she had to leave behind. He cares for my twelve year old by giving her a bagful of clothes, just perfect for her, some with the tags still on – an expensive hoodie that suits her beautifully that I never could afford to give her. He pays attention to my ten year old when a family with several boys stops by to welcome us on our first day in Ogema and they end up staying and playing for several hours. He remembers our four year old by making sure someone donated her favorite kind of cereal for our food shower – it was waiting in our cupboard just for her. Amazing. Where God leads He always provides.

He restores my soul . . .

My soul needs restoration, to be put back into condition. A car might be restored so it can be driven and enjoyed again. A house or piece of furniture can be made “like new” to be lived in or used again. And in order to be most useful to God, my soul needs restoration from time to time. Coming back from this term of service we may be a bit “used up” in ways. Our souls have received a few nicks and bruises, a few scratches and scrapes. God has been molding and shaping us, giving us a unique set of experiences and character qualities. God knows and is making us ready for his next assignment for us. As we take our month of vacation, we’re not doing much, not travelling far, not going to too many places. As yet with no firm job offers, we could be anxious and worried, but it seems that God would have us relax and rest and allow our souls to be refreshed. And so we take each day for what it is – a chance to be renewed and ready to be used again. Where that might be, we are not yet sure. What he may have us do, he has not yet indicated. But we want to be in condition, to have spiritual vigor and health, that we may be ready for service when he shows us the next step forward.

Countdowns

2009-06-19T06:41:00.000-07:00

God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. James 4:6

…counting down
Each day I hear, “Only __ more days until hot showers, or until Taco Bell, or until we see so and so…” A few members of our family have been counting the days until America. It started around 100. Now only 5 days remain until we leave Ndu. Ten months ago we started a new life on a new continent. I was hoping we’d find a place where we would be indefinitely, a place to continue our career as missionaries. Long-term ministry is what I was longing for. But in a few short days we close the door on this life and make one more transition. Maybe Brian, who grew up in the States, is going home. But the rest of us are starting a new life on a new continent. Sure, some things and people will be familiar. Certainly we look forward to many of the experiences we will have. But for me, this is the biggest change of all. Ever since I was in third grade I have wished for God to allow me to be the one to go into mission work. For the first time in 31 years, I sense God saying no to me going. It’s time not only to settle into a new home, look for a new job, but also to look for a new way to participate in God’s plan for the unreached people of the world. As we count down the days, some of our family are thrilled with the prospect of seeing cousins, grandparents, and eating Dairy Queen on the way home from the airport. But as the date draws nearer, I shed tears, wishing that submission to God’s plan for me would feel easier. Sure, I want to see everyone, but I wish it was yet another home assignment, that I wasn’t saying good-bye to Africa, to missions, to this life-style I love.

…doubting
The verse, one of the first I learned as a child, has been “my verse” for 2008-2009, James 4:7-8. Submit yourselves, then, to God. This I have to do daily in humility and dependence on him, and it has through lots of little steps, brought us to this big step that we are taking as we move back to the states. We believe the decision is directed by God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. As we take the steps of submission and obedience, I doubt. I doubt if we heard God’s voice correctly. I doubt if God will really provide a seller for our house in Estonia. I doubt if he will give us a new job in Wisconsin. I doubt his plan. I don’t understand it because the need is still great, both in Estonia and in Cameroon and in many other places around the world. I doubt that my Father really knows me, or why would he ask me to take this step. And then I am reminded that I must resist Satan and all the doubts he plants in my mind. Come near to God and he will come near to you. This is when I obey in spite of my doubts. I cannot be double-minded, but I must single-mindedly follow him.

…keep counting
So the countdown continues… The countdown to seeing how God will provide. The countdown to feeling at home in a new place. The countdown to renewing friendships and making new ones. The countdown to finding a new way to be involved in missions. Many of you who read my blog have been our faithful friends and supporters. You read so that you can pray for us. I’m counting down the days until I am the one reading the blogs of missionaries and praying alongside you.

Some things I love about Cameroon…

2009-04-23T00:56:00.000-07:00

April! Not only is it my birthday, but it’s beautiful. Every few days, we enjoy rain and our view, with clear skies, green plants, and blooming flowers. Although we didn’t have winter, we feel as though spring has arrived. A cup of tea in the cool morning breeze, sitting in a comfy wicker chair and enjoying a flower garden starts each day perfectly, no matter where in the world one might live and I get this pleasure each morning way out in Ndu.

Kribi! The tropical beach we visited in March stunned us with incredible white sand beaches and waterfalls pouring directly into the Atlantic Ocean replete with palm trees and fisherman in dugout canoes (just the right touch to remind me of my childhood in Indonesia). We used to camp out on the beach when I was a kid, but for me Kribi was even better as we exchanged tents for a classy hotel. Yes, the hotel was a highlight for me – with imported foods (like Parmesan cheese), no fluorescent lights, and even hot running water (all the time)! It was well worth the 12 hour drive just to get there.

My kids! Okay, I know they are with me no matter what country we’re in, but only for a few more years. When I consider what next year may look like, I realize that this is my last year to spend all day every day with my very cool kids. We’re going from home school to public and I’m going from having four kids around all the time to having none at home during the school day in just a few months. Have I ever mentioned that I have great kids? Who else has teenage girls who don’t complain about taking bucket baths every day for months? (This, of course, is an advantage for our son who prefers not to bathe at all.) Who else has a 15 year old who plays with her 4 year old sister without being asked? Who else has a 9 year old son who instead of playing game boy or play station, reads the encyclopedia by candlelight and thinks he’s having fun? My kids have pitched in with additional chores, done puzzles and played board games and thought of myriad other ways to spend their time in the bush and they’ve done it all in the spirit of adventure and without complaining. I’m going to miss spending my days with them.

New friends! Just last week another missionary family “stopped by” (you can’t really stop by Ndu, it’s not “on the way” to any where) for a few days just to visit on their way back to their home in the jungle. And this week I get to help plan a birthday surprise (dinner out, a “restaurant” on the terrace, without her preschoolers) for a lady who lives on campus here. Just as good-byes from either side of the ocean are the hardest part of missionary life, good friends all over the world are one of the greatest benefits.

Candles! My kids say candles certainly aren’t romantic anymore because we need them just to see most nights. But I disagree. I love the ambiance and even though washing dishes takes a little more time by kerosene lamp, the glow of candlelight always makes me feel warm and snuggly inside as we enjoy the cool mountain air each evening.

Brian! All right, I realize he’s not going to be left behind either, but I’m glad I’m not here without him. I’ll be the first to admit it – he’s the one with a sense of humor in our family. I’m quite sure I wouldn’t have survived this year without being able to lighten up about it and laugh through it all.

And as I think about those things that bring pleasure to my days, I realize again that it’s the simple joys that continue to brighten my life-these and the awareness that all good things are gifts from my Father’s hand.

Faith: Dead or Alive?

2009-04-23T00:53:00.000-07:00

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance….Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.”

…lights
The kids laugh and say it’s certain a move is coming when mom starts reading Fitted Pieces and starts looking at houses on the internet. Since I can only do one of these this year, the day I pulled out my handy book on missionary kid transitions, resilience in change, etc. they decided our move was immanent and began counting down the days. I’m certain a move is around the corner when my thoughts turn to the subject of roots. Do I have any? How do I keep the good from this place and allow myself to be transplanted yet again and enjoy what God has for me in the new? So at 48 days left, I’ve finished reading all those reminders about how to “do” transition and begin contemplating. It’s time to get ready…

…camera
In the fertile African soil, I’ve discovered that many plants can be transplanted with no roots at all. Just cut off a branch and stick it in the soil, keep it watered and it will grow. Roses, geraniums, and all kinds of stuff I don’t have names for grow this way, and I have a brand new flower garden to prove it. As our family transitions from missions to staying in the states, I feel like this is the way I’m being transplanted. Just chop me off from all that is familiar in life and commitments I thought would take a lifetime and stick me in the ground of a place where the roots have to form completely from scratch. I love missions. The need is just as great as it ever was. The percentage of people that know Jesus in Estonia has not changed. Still, half the churches in Cameroon have no trained pastor. The Fulani people who live in this area of Cameroon are still unreached. Many languages remain to be translated. And yet, God has made it clear that I am to bloom in another corner of his garden. “Consider it joy… What good is faith without action?” In between these passages, James says that God gives wisdom to those who ask. We have asked. We believe God is directing us. We are told not to doubt. Maybe it sounds strange, that a move home would feel like a trial for me. But it does. It’s uncertain. Instead of saying, “See you next year” to new friends and colleagues as we had anticipated when we moved to Cameroon, we are saying, “Add me to your newsletter list.” I don’t understand the “why” God is moving us or the “how” I’m going to fit into this new life. My faith is being tested as I must walk yet again into an unknown future. God is completing me. God knows the work left to be done, but He is also concerned with what is lacking in my own life.

…action
Realistically, friends wait for me. Family is on that side of the ocean. The culture and language are familiar. So I won’t really be starting from scratch. It’s my thought processes and heart condition that feel as though this transition, of the many I’ve made in life, is especially abrupt, painful, as though I’m being completely cut off from the plant I belong to. Will I ever “fit in” again? Will I be impatient with my home culture? Will I feel guilty for using water 24/7? Will I be able to integrate all that I’ve learned over two terms of missions into my new life stateside? In many ways, I’m a different person than the one who set off 10 years ago. Will I wither or learn to bloom again and complement the garden of my home church? Will I prove my faith by what I do? Will I believe and not doubt, that God knows what He’s doing in my family? I hope so.

Fear, Finances, and Folly

2009-04-23T00:49:00.000-07:00

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Heb. 11:1

…fear
So for 10 years we’ve been “living by faith”, depending on people and churches to give all we need to live and do ministry. The problem is, it doesn’t take much faith anymore. God has provided really well for us through our ministry partners. There is never a doubt in our mind that our budget will be met. We’ve never lived in deficit. For us, “living by faith” has been a financially secure way of life. Now, we’re entering back into the “real world”. We have to think about how to earn a living. We’d love to stay in ministry. So Brian has sent his resume to several churches in the area where we plan to relocate. But… will he be hired to do what he has been trained to do? We don’t know and as we look for other job options, we realize that we have a bit of a problem. Neither of us is very marketable. We have 11 years of higher education between us, but have no skills that are very useful in the secular marketplace. With house payments to make in Europe, no firm job possibilities in North America, and four children to provide for we’re feeling like the days of “living by faith” have just begun.

…finances
The Bible says an awful lot about money – how to spend it, how to give it, how to save it. We’ve learned lots of times that when we give away our stuff to do as God directs, He always provides what we need. But it doesn’t make it easier to close up shop on a secure income and trust that God will help us make those payments or sell the house on our behalf. Although the BGC/Converge is generous in helping us resettle in the States, a few thousand dollars doesn’t set up a house, phones, transportation, etc, etc, for a family of six. Although we’ve worked hard to save up money, living in Cameroon has been an expensive venture. Everything from taxes and transportation to telephone bills has been amazingly high for the quality of “service” we get. It’s a daunting prospect to realize that in spite of the things we’ve stored for years in my mom’s attic, we have to start from scratch buying soccer balls and bikes, mattresses and sheets, and everything in between.

…folly
So, is it folly to give away the bit that we have here in Cameroon, or should we try to sell our cargo? Is it crazy to move and resign without a job to go to? Some would tell us we’re nuts, but we don’t think so. When God said go, we went. And He was faithful in every way. Now, God is saying go home, and we are going. It’s not folly. It’s faith.

Dust, Rain, and Bibles

2009-04-23T00:44:00.000-07:00

As the deer panteth for the water so my soul longeth after thee.
You alone are my heart’s desire and I long to worship thee.

Dry season has been over for about a month as I post this…..electricity, internet, and no time to spell check…

Dust…
Dust hangs in the air we breathe. Dust billows around our feet when we step out the door. Dust must be wiped off the laundry lines each morning before I hang the clean clothes. On my way back from market I notice that I am wading through dust. I wipe the table after dinner, but must wipe it again before breakfast the next morning and the cloth comes up red, the color of the dust that settled there overnight. Dust makes me cough and I wonder if my lungs will survive dry season in Cameroon. I blow my nose after a walk and my Kleenex is red (OK, I know it’s gross). Do my lungs look the same way?

Rain…
At the same time the seminary has run out of resources (i.e. money) for the year and has decided the water pump costs too much to run at $20 USD a day. So we can expect no more running water until the end of the year. This means that at $2 a drum, we must conserve and not waste a drop until the long-awaited rains arrive. We did receive rain two days in a row about two weeks ago, which settled the dust for a few days, but the dryness is so great that much more is needed. And of course, the water that filled our drum that day was mostly mud since all the dust that had settled on our roof was washed along with it into our drum. Once the rains come we can collect the rain water from our gutters in buckets, and our drum will fill for free. I have never longed for rain so much.

Oh, for water! I’m practically panting. I would sing along with Bilbo his favorite bath-song,

“Sing hey! For the bath at close of day that washes the weary mud away!
A loon is he that will not sing: O! Water Hot is a noble thing!

O! Sweet is the sound of falling rain, and the brook that leaps from hill to plain;
But better than rain or rippling streams is Water Hot that smokes and steams.

O! Water cold we may pour at need down a thirsty throat and be glad indeed;
But better is Beer, if drink we lack, and Water Hot poured down the back.

O! Water is fair that leaps on high in a fountain white beneath the sky;
But never did fountain sound so sweet as splashing Hot Water with my feet!”

Thanks to J.R.R. Tolkien for his comments on the current water problems at C.B.T.S. and to my lovely neighbor, Linda, for bringing it to my attention.

Bibles…
The dust and the rain bring me to Bibles. Do I long for God’s word as much as I long for rain this year? Am I thirsty to read Scripture as my body is thirsty for a hot shower? Several students at our seminary have no copy of the Bible, or perhaps just a new testament, or even just a gospel of John. I wonder how it is that they have funds to pay for a seminary education, the stated goal being to study God’s Word, and yet not have bothered to raise funds for a copy of God’s Word (yes! It’s available here) first. Once I have water, will I appreciate it? Since I have a Bible, do I appreciate it, read it, grow from it, get to know my Savior better? Am I happy with a “bucket bath” in God’s Word each day, or do I immerse myself getting to know the Living Water of my soul? Do I “Sing hey, for the living water that washes my soul at start of day! … O! Water Living is a noble thing!”

As the deer panteth for the water, so my soul longeth after Thee…

Birds of a Feather

2009-01-25T04:24:00.000-08:00

“Open up before God, keep nothing back; he’ll do whatever needs to be done:
He’ll validate your life in the clear light of day and stamp you with approval at high noon.

Quiet down before God, be prayerful before him.
Don’t bother with those who climb the ladder, who elbow their way to the top.”

Psalm37:5-7 The Message

...waiting
Perched in a row, waiting. All of us missionaries detained an entire day from traveling home after our meetings for various reasons. Waiting for people, waiting for vehicles and travel arrangements, waiting for paperwork, waiting in line. That particular day, we were waiting for visa paperwork to be completed. Then we were fingerprinted and had to wait for the electricity to come back on in order for the proper photos to be taken. Back at home in Ndu, Brian waits to do class prep as he waits for the person with the key to the textbook room. Classes start two days late waiting for students to arrive. We wait for word from home when the internet doesn’t work. And as we ponder where to go from here, we wait for direction from the Lord. Is there a place for us to return to Cameroon or is it time for us to resettle back in our homeland?

...redeeming the time
As we sat waiting, one of us commented, “If only our supporters could see us now… their missionary dollars hard at work.” How true, that in the process of doing our jobs, there is seemingly a lot of down time, time that in our eyes should be redeemed for better purposes. As much as we try to be responsible with our time, sometimes we feel as though we are not really accomplishing that much. How comforting to know that we have held nothing back, and that he will validate our lives and stamp us with approval. He redeems the waiting in my life for his purposes. He brings that person by to chat while we’re waiting. He teaches me patience and humility as we watch the clock tick on. He compels me to quiet down before him, to be prayerful. He reminds me not to elbow my way through, not to push my own agenda whether it’s simply to get the work done more quickly or whether it concerns our missionary teammates and possibilities for our future here in Cameroon.

...wondering "what's next?"
So as we wait, we wonder yet again, what’s next? Please pray with us that God would help us to be quiet before him, not elbowing our way into what seems best to us. Please pray alongside us. As we prepare to return to the States at the end our second term, we need God’s direction in our lives as we consider how to live lives open to God, holding nothing back. We wonder about our children as they prepare to complete high school and enter college soon. We wonder about our family in the States and how we can love them and serve them best? We have always felt that in whatever capacity we serve, as pastor, as missionary, as children’s worker, as professor, that we have a deep and abiding commitment to serving the church whether at home or in some other place. We wonder about our own desires to continue to participate in the life of the church and how God will see fit to use us as part of his overall plan in the coming years.

With Us

2008-12-23T04:50:00.000-08:00

“…and they will call him Immanuel – which means, “God with us.” Matthew 1:23

…had I known
I’ve been asked several times since my arrival in Cameroon, “But if you had really known what it was like here, would you have come?” It’s an interesting question to think about. Had I been aware of how often we’d be living without water and electricity, how dusty and cold our house would be, how “cut off” from the world we’d be, would I have come? Many times, we think it would have been nice to know a little more ahead of time, to prepare, to bring with us a few more items to make our life more enjoyable.

…He knew
The God who is with us, who left the perfection of heaven knowingly and willingly, to live in our dusty, dirty world has gained my respect in a new way this season. When I think of all the little luxuries I long for, I wonder what it is that Jesus longed for as he lived in our world. Did He miss the immediacy of being with the Father? Did he cry over the dirtiness of his temporary habitat, the constant sinfulness he faced each day? He stepped into our world, knowingly giving up perfection, and he didn’t quit or go home early. He didn’t bring anything along to make life more comfortable in our world. He didn’t leave the job half done. Thirty-three years, without a home assignment, without a sabbatical. No colleague who really understood. Not even the appearance of great results to keep him motivated. How did He do it? How amazing that He didn’t give up on us and go home.

…with us
Our answer is yes, we would have come. We’re thankful that we didn’t come empty handed – our suitcases, most of them eventually arrived. We’re glad for family who filled ten boxes and sent them via sea container to make our life more comfortable. And we were really thrilled to go pick up those ten boxes, cleared through customs and delivered to a near-by hospital yesterday. What fun to put Christmas presents under the tree! What joy to give Sarah a few new outfits to wear instead of the two sets she’s been alternating between each day since July. All the stuff adds pleasure to our lives, but the only way we remain content, is with the knowledge that the God who authored incarnation, is with us still. Immanuel knows what it’s like to live in a foreign, sinful, dirty place. He understands what it’s like to live far from home and to long for it. And He knows the pleasure of going home one day. This is the day we truly long for – not just back stateside, but for our permanent home, with Immanuel forever.

The Frame

2008-12-13T06:19:00.000-08:00

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6

…the frame

A few years ago, I taught a Christmas lesson. The visuals included a frame made up of all the “trimmings” of the holidays (cookies, trees, Santa, bells, church, candles) and a beautiful picture of the manger in the center. What does a frame do for a painting? Perhaps the right frame, chosen correctly, enhances the picture itself. Perhaps the frame helps the picture fit in to a setting. Or on occasion, we blunder by choosing a frame that is so elaborate, the frame draws more attention than the picture itself. Has the frame changed the work of art? No, the purpose of the frame is to show that the painting is a masterpiece, finished, beautiful, and worthy to receive the attention it deserves, to draw attention to the picture itself.

Our celebration of Christmas this year in Cameroon reminds me of this lesson. Our frame for the celebration of the advent of Jesus is simpler than it has ever been. Lights? Haven’t seen any, except for the beautiful stars each night. Candles? Plenty of these, especially when the electricity is out – all one shape and size, all white, and no dripless version available. Christmas programs to attend? No “Nutcracker” this year, like we were able to see in Tallinn. No Sunday school presentation for our children to participate in. No piano lessons this year, so no recital to go to. The girls don’t dance in a national dance group here like they did in Estonia, so no dance performances to dress for and drive to. No chance to hear the “Messiah.” What about snow? Surely we don’t expect a white Christmas this year, although Brian keeps threatening to sift flour over our yard or tape white poster paper to our windows just for effect. We do, however, have a fireplace that doesn’t smoke if we build the fire properly in the back left corner. In fact, we enjoy its coziness. Gifts? Nothing to buy that interests our children. If the sea container with gifts purchased by my folks in August doesn’t clear customs in the next few days, we won’t have gifts to put under the tree for the first time ever. Advent calendars with chocolate to count down the days? Sorry, kids, not an option this year. The drive to Grandma’s house? Definitely not doable this year either. But we look forward to seeing everyone again next Christmas.

What makes up our simple frame this year? First, we collect green stuff. Cypress branches are easily available and last for about 2 weeks in water. Besides that, they are beautiful. A tree, definitely the Charlie Brown version, also cypress, stands in our living room. The branches look lovely, but the tree looks a bit gangly, especially with no lights, no garland, and no ornaments. We plan to come up with our very own handmade paper, cookie, popcorn, and fruit solutions for the decorations. Second, we make treats. Although not gingerbread, we bake brown sugar cut-outs and a few other traditional treats with our available supplies. We also celebrate two European traditions that we’ve picked up in the last ten years: St. Nicholas Day with animal shaped rolls, oranges and peanuts; and the elves who come each night to leave a treat in our children’s slippers as they do in Estonia (the treats are a bit monotonous, but we haven’t heard any complaints) have located us in Cameroon. Thirdly, we listen to Christmas music. We appreciate this real piece of home – no adaptation on this one. And lastly, we created a very simple advent wreath with our one-size-fits-all candles. It is lovely and colleagues lent us a book with readings from Scripture for us to read each day and a short program for us to do as a family each Sunday.

…the masterpiece
With our severely limited options, we have had an amazingly simple December this year. No programs fill up our calendars. No stores entice us to shop and spend. Our simple framework has provided abundant time to ponder the Masterpiece. Isn’t He beautiful? Our Wonderful Counselor and Mighty God comforts us when we long for home, guides us and reveals himself to us through his word. Our Everlasting Father reminds us of his presence in our lives each day. The Prince of Peace has given us peace with God and helps us to be content with how he has provided for us this year. Emmanuel is indeed with us. A simple frame merits some thought for the future. Perhaps our understanding of the Perfect Work of Art has been enhanced more than ever in the simplicity of it all.

Luxury

2008-11-20T05:40:00.000-08:00

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17

Growing up in Indonesia, I had a missionary uncle who often said, “You can live without the necessities if you have a few luxuries!” Immense appreciation for some of the luxuries in my life overwhelms me from time to time. What are luxuries in Cameroon?

October. A month between rainy season and dry season. A beautiful time to enjoy the beauty of Cameroon without mud or dust.

A hot shower. What a pleasure to wash away the grime and dust of dry season or the mud during rainy season, to have not only water, but hot running water.

My front porch. Solitude and quiet in the cool mornings as I take a few moments for meditation and to enjoy the roses, hibiscus, dahlias, and lilies growing in my newly established flower bed. This continues to be a lovely place to sit since here in Africa we won’t be seeing snow this year.

A cook. After almost a month without her due to her father’s illness and death, I realize that though we can get by without a cook, my life is far more manageable with her around. I can do the marketing and get simple meals on the table along with homeschooling and laundry. But without a cook I have time for nothing else except sleep. The month without her was exhausting. With our very lovely and skilled cook, my time is freed to enjoy my family, to correspond, to become involved in the lives of people around me, and my family enjoys meals I would never have time to prepare myself (like hamburgers and tacos – grinding all the meat, making your own buns or tortillas, etc).

Cheese and chocolate. At $40 for a ball of cheese, every pizza we enjoy is a luxury. Swiss chocolate is also available for a price; in my humble opinion, it is well worth every penny.

A haircut. Haven’t had one of these for awhile and really wish for one.

A mission vehicle. We have been blessed with the use of a Toyota Land Cruiser able to maneuver on the worst roads for the rest of our year here. We can make to the trip to the city now at half the cost of public transport and far more comfortably for our family. We have regained a taste of “independent” living, being able to come and go as we please and hope to make a few outings to enjoy some nearby cliffs, fields of rock, and waterfalls.

The internet. Our service is quite sporadic. Moments of communication, receiving news of the world, family, and friends, are precious luxuries after days of failure to connect.

Isn’t He a wonderful Father, providing so much more than we need, but providing food for our souls as well? Thank you, Father, for the luxuries we enjoy.

Exuberant gratitude

2008-11-20T05:29:00.000-08:00

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever. Psalm 136:1

…tragedy
Tragedy abounds. Not a day goes by that I don’t hear another heart rending story. A woman dies leaving her five young children in the care of an irresponsible and drunken father who has other wives and takes no interest in them. A baby dies of AIDS and the mother’s family is blamed even though the father was the carrier of the disease. Another father disappoints his children by “forgetting” to pay the school fees after running off to the city. A mother kills her own child by putting a stick in its mouth shortly after giving birth. An eight year old schoolboy is tricked into becoming involved with witchcraft. A cornfield ready to harvest is destroyed by wandering cows and a family staves off starvation this year. A drunken husband beats his wife and children, and in a fit of rage throws all the children’s clothes and kitchen supplies into the toilet.

…comfort
Joy abounds. I have never seen a people so ready to laugh, to enjoy one another’s company. They are a people who in spite of immense heartache find moments of comfort, especially by being together. We never hear of an ailing or troubled person left alone to deal with his trouble. A sick person’s room is filled with well-wishers. Children left to fend for them selves find a place to eat and sleep by a neighbor’s or auntie’s fire. The community shares the joy and the pain.

…gratitude
Hearts are full of gratitude despite the many reasons to become discouraged. It is said, you are as many people as languages you have learned. Although I still speak English here, a new facet is emerging in my worship and way of thinking as I live in this culture. I have never been so close to the earth, to life, to death, and to the tragedies and triumphs that are experienced on this level before. As I worship alongside my Cameroonian colleagues and neighbors, I am learning to rejoice in God as never before. The sincere gratitude for God’s provision eloquently emerges as our harvest offering becomes the highlight of our worship. Our offering consumes well over half an hour as each of the 800 people attending dance forward and bring the first fruits of their crops to present to the Lord. The exuberant singing evidences their complete faith in God’s sufficiency to provide for every need, emotional and material. Above all He provides for our souls and gives us hope for the future. He is truly our Jehovah Jireh, our provider. His grace is sufficient for me.

Sleep

2008-10-11T02:48:00.000-07:00

"He who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep." Psalm 121:3-4

...Weary
Numerous times I have planned to sit down and write this entry, and just as many times it has been postponed. The electricity shut down and computer batteries were low, so we save for class preparation. Time ran out at the end of a busy day; I'm just too tired to accomplish one more task. We travelled to missionary retreat and spent time with our colleagues returning with more questions than answers about our future. We enjoyed the black silky sand and the pounding waves of the Atlantic on the Cameroon coast. We have now been completely without running water for two weeks straight, which just adds extra work each day: heating water for bucket baths, filling buckets from the gutter run-off in the rain, washing clothes by hand instead of in the machine. Daily, we hear of another tragic death, a widow in dire straights, or an abandoned orphan. I fall into bed each night exhausted, physically and emotionally. And I am thankful for the gift of sleep.

...Dependent
What a lavishly generous gift! Sleep. My strength is restored. My mind is renewed. My spirit awakes refreshed and ready to see God's faithfulness in the new day. In the book "Humility: True Greatness" C.J. Mahaney writes, "The fact is, God could have created us without a need to sleep. But He chose to build this need within us....Each night, as I confront my need again for sleep, I'm reminded that I'm a dependent creature. I am not self-sufficient. I am not the Creator. There is only One who 'will neither slumber nor sleep' and I am not that One."

...Resting
As I continue to say "yes" to God and the lifestyle He has chosen for me to lead this year, I am grateful that He knows better than I how fragile I am. "For He knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust." (Psalm 103:14) He knows I can't handle it. He knows how tired I get. He knows that my emotions become worn each time I face a new impossible situation. He knows all about me. And he lets me sleep. He lets my body rest while He holds the world in His hands. He doesn't need me to sustain anything. He doesn't need my input. He can handle it. He knows all about that widow and that orphan. He knows about my children and their educational needs. He knows about the students in Brian's classes. He knows about the church in Cameroon. He knows about my sister and brother-in-law who are looking for work. He knows about my mom and the eye surgery she faces. He knows all those people about whom I worry. He knows who I am and where I am and He hasn't forgotten me. He knows the past and the future. Isn't it wonderful to lay down and put it all back into His capable hands, aware that He does not slumber. Isn't it good to accept His gracious gift and sleep!

Think About Such Things

2008-09-21T23:12:00.000-07:00

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things .... And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8

...expectations
In missionary orientation before we ever left the United States, our instructors outlined expectations for cultural adjustment. We would see all the good, quaint, and lovely at first, followed by a time of crashing down to earth, seeing all the bad, distressing, and ugly. In order to adjust, we were told, we must see both, come to terms with it all and not count it as better or worse than our home culture, just different.

...experience
True to form as we arrived in Estonia, the quaintness of medieval Old Town in Tallinn, the flower stalls lining the sides of the streets, the towering rows of century old oak trees, the serenity of the sea, and the myriad minute differences that made Estonia special caused an immediate infatuation. Eventually, the downside of living in the former Soviet Union became apparent as well. Coming to terms with these issues, my heart fell in love with not only the place, but the people. Certainly living in Estonia was not better or worse than the U.S., just different.

...entering
My love affair with the people and places of Cameroon has gotten off to a very different start. I expected to go through these same stages, but somehow I skipped the first one and went straight to the second, seeing all the bad, distressing, and ugly. From the minute we stepped off our plane into the muggy, smelly airport without any of our 18 pieces of luggage we experienced bumpy roads, dirt, dirt, and more red dirt, rain, uncomfortable transportation, termites, cockroaches (and plenty of other bugs), and even uncomfortable benches in church. The house needed attention, the luggage needed to be found, and everything around seemed distressing. In a word, it all seemed worse. Not only was it worse than the U.S., it was worse than Estonia as well. Several weeks ago, self-assessing my difficulty in having a good attitude in this new place, I realized that I had completely hopped over a key step in my cultural adjustment. The reason for this remains unclear to me. Perhaps I was so wrapped up in saying good-bye that I never prepared myself for the next step. Perhaps I never took time to anticipate the good that God had in store for me. Whatever the reason, I failed to see anything good, quaint, or lovely.

...engaging
Thus, I resolved to fall in love with Cameroon. After all, isn't love really more than infatuation, but a matter of the will? I asked God to change m vision, to help me see the lovely, to notice the praiseworthy, to help me grow to love the people of Cameroon. And amazingly enough, my perspective is changing, not by leaps and bounds, but in small increments each day. A mother steps gracefully, baby bound to her back, bundles in each hand, as she walks home from market balancing her groceries for the week on her head. The me, women, and children of our campus chat cheerfully as they parade past our home each morning on the way to carry water home from the campus well. Our cook laughs heartily at the antics of our four-year-old, and relates stories of her own family. I see cheerful, friendly, laid back yet hard working people. The 400 students sing with gusto and dance enthusiastically as we begin our weekly vespers service, praising God with all their hearts, our small chapel resounding with the beat of the drums. And I am glad. Glad to be part of these lives, these ones who will one day lead the churches of Cameroon. Glad to praise God alongside them. Glad to embrace the challenge of living here. Glad to know that God can change my heart too. Glad to see a glimmer of love beginning to grow in my heart. The "God of peace" is still with me, as He promised, offering peace to me in the place where He has transplanted me.

Standing

2008-09-01T08:38:00.000-07:00

“The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught. The Sovereign Lord has opened my ears, and I have not been rebellious; I have not drawn back.” Isaiah 50:4

...morning by morning

Moving to Africa, selling and giving everything we owned in Europe away, saying good-bye (for a second time) to a familiar life, and settling into this place has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Waking to horns and roosters and calls to prayer at 5:30 or 6:00 has been an adjustment (my mom will tell you I’ve never risen this early on purpose one day in my life). Seeing the dirt and grime and trash and poverty so obviously around me every time I step out the door (okay, I don’t even always have to step out the door) is not a lifestyle I would have chosen for myself. Setting up a home in a house where the key word for everything is “temperamental” (translate: has been broken for years and rarely works), mildew abounds, and needed a thorough cleaning has required hours of elbow grease, scrubbing, and painting (of course with inferior quality supplies – the epitome of made in China).

… He wakens my ear to listen like one being taught

This month has been one for me to learn again what it means to follow Jesus wholeheartedly, to say yes again to all He wants me to be. He wants me to humbly say “yes” to the surroundings He has placed me in. I thought I was submitted as I said good-bye in Estonia, but realized that I’ve much yet to learn when I glimpsed the place where I must settle into. I am being taught to say “yes” to cement floors, to say “yes” to a much needed fireplace that doesn’t work (fills the house with smoke) even when we are desperate to heat this mountain home, to say “yes” to constant grime, to say “yes” to hauling water when the tank runs dry, to say “yes” to no electricity much of the time, to say “yes” to lack of internet connection except at the internet room on campus on weekdays when the electricity is on, to say “yes” to humility (having the same attitude as that of Christ Jesus)

…an instructed tongue

We came to teach. Brian has scheduled the lectures and assignments. Students arrive daily. But we realize that we must continue to listen in order to be effective. We must listen to the Holy Spirit’s direction in our own lives. We must learn and be “instructable”. He impresses humility upon us. He gives us opportunity to give to overwhelming needs around us instead of spending on our own desires for comfort. He gives us opportunity not just to say “yes” but to live “yes” with graciousness, without bitterness, and in so doing He molds us into His likeness a little bit more each day.

…I have not drawn back

I want to agree with Isaiah, “I have not been rebellious; I have not drawn back.” I rebel at moments. I tell myself that I can’t do it. Sometimes in my weariness, I wish to draw back completely, to quit and go home, to find a comfortable place to live. But at the same time, God in me sustains me and strengthens me and gives me the courage to yet again, say “yes”. But oh, how I long to not be rebellious, to not draw back from the opportunities God has given us in any way, to run my home in a way that frees Brian to effectively teach. Every morning, I submit myself again to God, drawing near to Him, and not drawing back from the tasks, the people, the place to which He has called me.

…to know the word that sustains the weary

So, no, it’s not all gloom and doom. Bright spots do encourage me each day. God’s blessings abound in my life, although ignoring them allows me to wallow in self-pity from time to time. He sustains us in the small and enormous ways. So, at the risk of sounding trite, I list them for myself each day so that I remember how great is my God, how much He has done for me:

He saved me, gives me a hope and a future.

We have food, abundant, healthy, and good-tasting on our table each day (prepared by a lovely cook).

Our family is together and healthy, all are adjusting without rebellion to this new place.

Our roof doesn’t leak (except when the rain is really strong).

The morning fog as it lifts from the mountains around us is quite lovely (and I am awake to see it, thanks to those roosters)!

The sun each morning dries my laundry.

I have the finances with which to buy paint and fabric to beautify my home.

Brian’s suitcase finally arrived (containing a computer and all his dress clothes) in time before classes started.

The stars at night stun me with their clarity when the electricity is off and nothing else lights the sky.

I found two lovely and comfortable cane chairs, and a fellow missionary donated time and plants so that now I have an oasis on my front porch where I can sit and read or chat with a neighbor.

Some ladies in an unknown church sent towels and linens “to the missionaries” and a few of them came to me through a sea container sent months ago – what a precious gift to have a few new and beautiful items to cheer up my home.

Our colleagues continue to help, encourage, and lend whatever we need. It is good to pray together, and to be part of a team, to have a specific and measurable job each day.

…etc. etc. etc. God has abundantly met our needs through His word, through the material things around us, through the people around us, through you and your prayers on our behalf. He sustains us when we tire out. He instructs us. He is worthy. He is.

P.S. So, for those of you who have, thankfully, noticed my absence – please, keep praying. I have been silent, learning, growing. God has not been silent, molding, teaching, changing me to be more like Him.

Waking

2008-07-30T06:14:00.000-07:00

“I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8

…leaving
Friends brought (and cleaned up) a smorgasbord breakfast. Mattresses (the only furniture left in our house) given to our pastor’s wife and tied onto the cars. The house swept out for the last time. Garbage placed by the garage awaiting removal by another friend. The keys left on the table for the real estate agent. Tears streamed as we hugged dear friends. And a prayer of blessing by our pastor sends us with love as we stepped into the car for our last drive through the peaceful and lovely Estonian countryside.

…sobbing
The three hours we planned for checking in was just enough for checking in 18 pieces of very overweight luggage without worry about time constraints. Time enough remained to spend with our very special friend, Heili, as she sent us off with yet more hugs at the airport. The reality and finality of our decision set in as the tears turned to heart-wrenching sobs as we watched the familiar Estonian coastline disappear from the airplane windows. My sadness is stabbing through my heart, but it doesn’t match that of our children. I’ve said good-bye too many times already, unlike our children, who must do it for the first time that they remember. Our Lissy has never once left Estonia without tears, not even for a vacation, and once again I realize how God has given her an incredible love for this land and this people.

…transitioning
Islands we’ve visited many times gradually fade away, and my heart is finally able to turn to that which awaits us in a new country, a new home. How can I do this one more time? How can I allow myself to serve and love and open my heart to the possibility that comes with it for this kind of pain again?

…awakening
Several hours later we step onto the flight which will take us to a new homeland. As we stand in line, each of our children in turn whispers to me (or says out loud in our now quite secret language of Estonian) about the sea of dark faces. We’ve never been so obviously different before. And already as we fly God our hearts begin to awaken to what he has for us. Sarah sits next to an adorable baby and his mother on the plane. She and I get to hold him and care for him so she can stretch her legs. As we wait over two hours for luggage (aka all our earthly possessions/everything that is dear to us) that never arrives, Grace waves, smiles, and blows kisses to her new “Cameroonian friends” who watch and wave back, grinning from the gallery above. Lissy begins her collection of animal stories in Africa by observing the decimation of a mouse under the janitor’s foot. And Nathan waits on the empty carousel sharing one earphone of his MP3 player with the lady who came to meet us at the airport.

…waking
God grants us a peaceful rest. As I awake and walk in the garden of the guest house, childhood memories of Indonesia flood my mind – so many similarities. The girls take a morning dip and our hearts are nudged open just a crack to the new possibilities he has for us in this land and people, new to us, but loved long by him.

Presence

2008-07-20T20:03:00.000-07:00

"Submit yourselves, therefore, to God.... Draw near to God and he will draw near to you." James 4:7-8

...attendance
Attending a birthday party or sending a card. Giving a hug to your mom or sending an email. Holding my niece in person or seeing a picture. Being there or not. Present or absent. We appreciate when someone is with us in spirit, but it is oh so much better when their bodies come along with them. To laugh and chat at the birthday party. To feel mom's arms around me. To look into the eyes of the newborn niece. We experience the difference between presence and absence of special people in our lives daily.

...absent
Two days ago, we were present for the last time with our church family here in Estonia. Breaking bread together, encouraging one another, spending time together, knowing that we will be absent in these family celebrations from now on. We shed buckets of tears and used plenty of tissue. We hugged and sniffled our way through so many good-byes. They will feel our absence and we will feel theirs. Our brothers and sisters in Estonia sent us as we embark on a new mission with love and encouragement. Our pastor gave us a very timely reminder about God's presence in our lives.

...present
How sad it would be if God were not present. How wonderful when we experience his arms of love around us. "Submit yourselves, therefore, to God. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." His nearness is so precious, the reality of God so reassuring. But until we lay everything on the altar, submitting completely to his will in obedience, drawing near to him on his terms, he does not reveal his presence completely either. We cannot prove the delights of his love until we choose to trust and obey. We walk through this week of good-byes sensing the absence of dear friends already. We walk in obedience and trust, and God's nearness, his powerful presence enfolds us, surrounds us, and allows us to carry on in hope. He attends me. He shows up, in person. He, the maker of heaven and earth, chooses to reveal himself and draws near to me.

Cushion

2008-07-13T07:24:00.000-07:00

"The Lord will keep you from all harm—He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." (vv. 7-8)

July. Our month of comings and goings. And in the midst of it all, my sister sent me this encouraging note. Coming from an MK who moved after 9th grade, she's the only one I know who may truly understand how my daughter, Lissy, feels about our going. Transition stress is also a current experience for her. She understands me better than she knows.

Just want you to know I've been holding you up in prayer today. I am trusting God to bring buyers for your car and house and to help you get everything done without feeling too stressed in the next couple weeks. But mostly I pray for your heart. I can't really imagine all the emotions which must flood into your mind and heart throughout each day, but I'm sure they are a jumble of sadness, anticipation, apprehension, grief, etc. Although I can't say I totally understand, I do remember vividly what it was like to stand on the steps of the Garuda plane looking back at my "homeland" knowing I would never see it again . . . and then crying all the way to Jakarta. I had only had a couple weeks to absorb the news, and I think I was still stunned. I know God has given you a love for the land and people of Estonia, and it must wrench your heart to say good-bye to it all . . . and yet there is so much ahead which will be fulfilling, but still unknown, and different . . . I pray that He who created your heart will sustain and cushion it during this transition, and that He will do the same for each of your family. I know He is big enough to carry Lissy through the unknown and use this year to draw her closer to Him. I know He is big enough to give you the wisdom, grace, and strength to face a new country and climate and culture and language. I know He is big enough to enable Brian to teach a bunch of classes he has never taught before. I know He is big enough to be all that you need. I saw a phrase yesterday which says it better that I can: "I know I am not, but I know I AM." I pray that you will know the empowering and tender compassion of I AM today. I don't even pretend to understand what you're going through, but I do understand a jumble of emotions while following God in trust to an unknown place . . . I hope these promises from Psalm 121 will encourage you today: "The Lord will keep you from all harm—He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." (vv. 7-8)

Yes, God will sustain and cushion our hearts. He will watch over our lives. He watches our going from Estonia. He watches our coming to Cameroon. And I believe this cushion is softer because people like my sister and dear friends in our supporting churches take the time to pray and to encourage us. I know I am not capable to bring my family through this, but I know I AM, and I AM is watching me, creating a pillow for each of our hearts.

Living Simply

2008-06-29T05:13:00.000-07:00

"For to me, to live is Christ." Philippians 1:21

...enriched
An Estonian proverb tells us, "You are as many people as languages you know." Of course, many Estonians fluently speak as many as five languages. They understand how one is enriched by living in a new culture. So shouts the question, "Who are you after eight years of knowing Estonian? Are you different than when you began the language learning process?" Often as I reflect, I wonder if this process of "missions" has been more for my benefit than that of those around me. Missions by nature must be others oriented, but perhaps I'm the one who has grown the most.

...living simply
I have learned to live simply. To simply live before God, honestly, using my own gifts, not trying to pretend. I am only Stephanie and I simply offer who I am to God each day, allowing him to use me, my time, my resources, my relationships for his purposes. It would be so easy to become discouraged, wishing I was more outgoing, like the missionary who left the field right before I arrived, or a more capable starter of great things, or a more effective mobilizer of people, or... But I am simply me, and if God so chooses to use me at all, I am content.

...worshipping simply
My personal worship has evolved as well. I have learned to live simply in worship, to present myself to him seriously and with awe, to bow (literally) before him in prayer, to lift my arms in praise. The two churches we regularly attend approach worship very differently. In one, I experience the awesomeness of God, the seriousness of my sin, and my great need for forgiveness. We bow humbly in prayer, we solemnly sing in minor key, and we rarely speak to one another until the service is over, concentrating completely on a relationship with the living God. As we enter the other, we experience the value of relationship with one another and the freedom to express our joy in worhip. The gratitude overflows from our hearts expressed in heartfelt (and often very loud and rythmic) song. We dance and lift our arms in joy! Very different, but both important in true worhip. I have learned from both to worship simply and honestly, with no pretence or pride or worry about what others may think of the ways I express myself. The position of my body expresses the state of my soul before God.

...living simply with less

I have learned to live simply in material things, not holding on to that which is non-essential. In a country where many families share a small one bedroom apartment, we see how little is necessary, how much is luxury. In a country where shops are not filled with unlimited choices, we eat simple food and wear the same thing several times a week. We enjoy nature and take pleasure in being with the people around us, rather than depending on entertainment options to keep us busy. Living with low expectations frees us to really glory in moments of luxury from time to time. Living with less frees us to concentrate on eternally important aspects of life.

...simply living

I have learned to simply live, not filling our time with unnecessary pursuits, but maintaining priorities which are pleasing to God. Coming from a country where we sign our children up for any number of activities, taxi them around, and generally just spend a great deal of time doing, I have learned a great deal here about "being". Estonians gladly take their month of vacation and go nowhere. They rarely overstress about getting things done. (Yes, I have noticed the downsides of this mentality, but lessons for simply living also abound.) We have learned to limit our choices as a family, not because there is nothing to do here or to be involved in, but limiting ourselves to a few involvements enables us to live more intentionally as a family, as witnesses in our community, as part of the family of God.

... simple solitude
I have learned the simple beauty of quietness, of space for the soul, even in busy places. I can pass any number of people as I walk without interruption of my thoughts (no passing greetings). We are able to shop in a busy grocery store and no one would think of commenting about my baby or the weather. In a place that seems unfriendly at first glance, I now understand that silence is truly golden. When I visit the USA, I find myself mildly irritated when a stranger interrupts my thoughts while I'm out walking. Have I grown unfriendly? No, I have learned the sereneness of solitude.

...simply me
The core of who I am has essentially changed by the years I have spent delving into this place with these precious people, my friends. But am I two different people as the proverb seems to say? No, I will never again be the person I was when I arrived here. I am a simpler, less complicated person, able to live more purposefully, more intentionally than ever before. I desire a simple life, living simply for Christ.

More Faithful than the Dawn

2008-06-21T20:24:00.000-07:00

"For he is the living God and he endures forever: his kingdom will not be destroyed, his dominion will never end. He rescues and he saves; he performs signs and wonders in the heavens and on the earth. He has rescued Daniel from the power of the lions." Daniel 6:26-27

...questions
"You must be terribly frazzled, with so much to do." "How are you coping with the change?" Questions like these arise daily. With so many unanswered questions, changes, things to do, sales to make, items to pack or ship, people to say good-bye to, I cannot deny the logic of the question. Our once routine life has undergone a serious overhaul in the last few weeks.

Daniel must have faced enormous stress and frazzle when he discovered the plot of the other leaders to depose him by feeding him to the lions using his habit of faithful prayer to trip him up.

...answers
"Actually, I don't feel stressed at all. I'm sad, but not frazzled. We are experiencing an amazing measure of God's peace in our lives." In spite of discovering the wrong birth date on Nathan's passport, in spite of selling some things that are precious to me because of the memories they hold, in spite of a huge number of unanswered questions pertaining to our work and life in Cameroon, in spite of the emotional meltdowns of our 11 year old, in spite of the lack of a buyer for our home and good car, in spite of all this and more our hearts are at rest. We are grieving, yes, but frazzled, no. We are in the middle of a month of "lasts". Our girl's last dance performance, something they will miss incredibly. Our last drive in the good old rusted cargo van, which God used to provide for so many of our needs when we first arrived here. Our last Midsummer's Eve celebration around the fire, grilling with friends. Saying good-bye to a life and friends where we thought we would stay until we retire saddens us. But disturbing the peace? No. God has left our hearts at rest. He has pointed the way clearly, and we willingly follow.

Daniel also exhibits a heart at rest. What did he do when he discovered the plot? Nothing except what he always did. He got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before. What did he say as he faced immediate death by hungry lions? Nothing. Only the king, greatly distressed, made every effort to save him. I've been reminded by this story that in spite of the change or stress surrounding me, to simply carry on and trust. Sounds simple, and really it is much simpler than it seems. Really, we are doing no more than we have done every day for the past 10, 15 years. We are simply following the Ancient of Days' leading for this day, doing what he has ordained for us to do today. We are praying daily, raising our children to follow Him, meeting with the people around us, being salt and light as best we know how, and carrying on as always.

...how
"How can you be so calm?" Because the God who shuts the mouths of lions hasn't changed. A beautiful Estonian song says, "More faithful than the dawn which from time (past) to time (future) the sun brings to the skies, You are, You are. More faithful than the moon, which causes the tides to ebb and flow on the seashore, You are, You are. You are faithful, Lord, never forgetting your children, always good, incomparable Savior. You are faithful, Lord, our life's able guide, great creator." Our hearts are at rest, not because we are able, but because we trust in a living God. He is more faithful than the dawn, than the moon. He is my life's able guide. And most of all, He simply is. He is.

Simple Pleasures

2008-06-06T21:29:00.000-07:00

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

...remembering
Walking trails, bright starlit nights, and friends who gave me a sense of rootedness in Ogema, Wisconsin. Air shows at the Lake Michigan beach, the skyline, the intricately placed Christmas lights on the tree lined streets, and the view of tree branches out of my living room window in Chicago. Enjoying the still waters of the lake and watching muskrats from the deck of my parents' vacation home. The flower beds and manicured lawns of my parents' suburban home where we spent our last home assignment. Simple pleasures to be remembered long after the furniture is sold or given away. In each place God has met the needs of my soul for beauty and quiet moments.

...enjoying
Earlier this week, we published on our church list some household furniture and items to be sold. Amazingly, within three days almost every item has found a new home. All the buyers are willing to wait for pickup until we are close to leaving at the end of July. God has been providing for all of our needs through this. Not only does he meet our financial needs, he provides for my need for quiet moments as well, times to refresh my soul. As I went through the process of parting with our stuff, I was reminded of the simple pleasures I enjoy here. I spent an afternoon at a very beautiful beach, shallow and safe for the kids, not too hot, with fountains to play in. I sat drinking tea in my lovely garden enjoying the peonies, lilacs, and hostas. Grace snuggled on my lap as we watched the clouds and she burst out, "Thank you, God, for the sky." I went on a walk with Brian at 10 pm along the river and it was still light - what wonderful long summer days we have here. These are the things that I will miss and remember as we move on.

...anticipating
And as I make room to enjoy these moments in our schedule, I wonder what are those special times going to look like in Cameroon? How is God going to provide? He is my gloriously rich Father who provides not only spiritually and physically, but emotionally as well. "Thank you, God, for the simple pleasures and quiet moments in my life!"

"To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen." Philippians 4:20

Finishing with honors

2008-05-30T21:34:00.000-07:00

"But Daniel resolved not to defile himself..." "To these four young men God gave knowledge and understanding of all kinds..." Daniel 1:8, 17

...honors
The good-byes have begun already. We still have two months to wrap up our work, but with the end of the school year, we are faced with summer vacation (hurray!) and with a few final good-byes. Last week we finished art and music classes. This week the girl's choir performed for the last time. And yesterday, Nathan completed his second year of Estonian national school with honors, among the top students in the school. Proud parents thrill to see him excel in a second language. Have you ever written poetry in an adopted tongue? Are you able to quote the old proverbs in two languages? Our eight year old can.

...behavior counts
We realize that academic excellence is wonderful, but not everything. Our pride grows as we see that not once in two years has Nathan received anything less than a perfect score for behavior. He has been graded weekly. Our young man has "resolved not to defile himself" and has gained the favor of his classmates and teachers. God has given him "knowledge and understanding of all kinds." And no, it has not always been easy with no teacher supervision during recess and classmates who clearly have no respect for God's way of doing things. He has figured out how to navigate a shame-based school system with grace and humor. He has prayed for his classmates daily this entire year, that God would save them and show them the way to know Him. Even an eight year old boy recognizes that a "child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right."

...God's goodness in action
So, after cleaning out a very messy desk and collecting most of his things (we are missing a winter coat and one pair of gym shorts), we had to say good-bye to a very lovely teacher. In Estonia one teacher stays with the students from 1st through 4th grade, so this has been his only schoolteacher so far. And so, as I thanked Nathan's teacher, a very typical and very reserved Estonian lady with whom I have never spoken on a personal level, I was shocked to see tears well up in her eyes. She initiated a big hug, and expressed her sadness to see Nathan leave her classroom. Apparently, he will be missed, not just because he earns honors as a student, but because God has used him to bring a measure of God's goodness to a class of 2nd graders. His teacher noticed a difference.

Sometimes we do not see the effects of living a pure life or the answers to our prayers. Are we willing to live "holy", separated, in a foreign land as Daniel did? We are all foreigners in this world, no matter where we live. My boy reminds me to "resolve not to defile" myself, to live "holy". How else will our neighbors, friends, and acquaintances see God's goodness in action?

Resilience

2008-05-22T04:26:00.000-07:00

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17

…change

Our family will have lived in three countries during the course of one year, none of them being our “passport” country. Talk about change. Sure, these changes provide wonderful opportunities that many people only dream about. We’ve ridden a cable car to the top of the Alps, wandered around medieval castles, and walked the path where the Berlin Wall once stood. We’ve attended a wonderful training course, taught Good News Clubs in towns that have no gospel witness, and provided web-sites where untold numbers of people, both children and adults, can investigate Christianity on an on-going basis. Wow! Experiences beyond our imagination await us in Cameroon.

…resilience or rupture

But with these opportunities comes an incredible amount of change, myriad good-byes, and untold grief. I recently reread lots of good advice about dealing with transitions for “third culture kids”. It’s filled with practical pointers on how to say good-bye and create an atmosphere to positively deal with all these changes. One article talks about “nurturing resilient children” and I wonder how can I raise resilient kids when I wonder if am resilient enough to make this next move? Webster’s defines resiliency as “the ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change, the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress” and resilient as “capable of withstanding shock without permanent deformation or rupture, elastic.” Am I capable of withstanding the shock of yet another move or will I be deformed or rupture? Will my children recover their shape after this kind of stress? Are we as a family able to adjust easily to change?

…shifting shadows

Isn’t it good that God does not change? In all of our change, I read in James that God gives good and perfect gifts. He does not change like shifting shadows, or like the number of daylight hours in Estonia. He remains the same in all our changing circumstances. It is only in this truth that we move forward hopefully in spite of all the dismal predictions for people who face repeated change. He who was faithful to my parents when they served in Indonesia, who was our provider when we had no money to buy groceries, who was our companion in years of serving here, practically as the sole missionaries, will be faithful yet again. Yes, I will do my part to act on all the great advice given by those who have already walked this path. But ultimately, I cannot be elastic enough to meet all the needs of my children and our family without the unchanging Father who will continue to be faithful and good.

Passports and Sparrows

2008-05-15T20:15:00.000-07:00

“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Matthew 10:29-31

…details

Are there two empty visa pages in my passport or none? (There were none, but now I have about 20.) Do I get to my appointment at the consulate 15 minutes early (and have to stand outside and wait) or on time (and go right in?) Do we have the proper vaccinations or not? (No, it takes 3 different appointments over the next two weeks.) Do I have a US address to put on the application? (Thank goodness for parents!) Do I mark “tourist” or “visitor” on the application? (Our friends in Cameroon know this one.) Does DHL know the location of my package containing six passports en route to the United States or is the package lost? (We haven’t tried this one yet.) Do the six passports get through the visa process in time for the flights that have to be prescheduled or not? It’s all in the details. Crazy as it seems, we plan to send our passports on a very long, but relatively inexpensive journey to the Cameroon embassy in the United States while we stay in Estonia. The alternative, all six of us traveling with our documents to the USA, is much more costly and time consuming.

…sparrows

“His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.” The words to this old song hummed through my head and reminded me that he sees, knows, and cares. I trust that he watches not only how many hairs are on my head, but that he watches my passport fly across the sea, that he watches it arrive safely in the embassy, and that he even sees it get stamped with all the right stamps and sent back in time to assure us safe arrival in our new home.

…my worth

“Are you not much more valuable than they?” If God knows enough to provide food for the sparrows and clothes for the flowers, can he not do the same for me? As the song goes,

"Let not your heart be troubled," His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Roots

2008-05-10T21:27:00.000-07:00

"May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love, and may you be able to feel and understand, as all God's children should, how long, how wide, how deep, and how high his love really is, and to experience this love for yourselves, though it is so great that you will never see the end of it or fully know or understand it. And so at last you will be filled up with God himself." Ephesians 3:17-19 TLB

"Good people will prosper like palm trees,
Grow tall like Lebanon cedars;
transplanted to God's courtyard,
They'll grow tall in the presence of God,
lithe and green, virile still in old age."
Psalm 92:12-14 the Message

May 11, 2008
Sunday morning, Mother's Day

...withering
There is no service at our church today, canceled for a family day. Often we are disappointed by the commitment to worship of our chosen church family here in Estonia. Other churches do have services more regularly, but this one needs us and the stability we offer. But on mornings like this, I resonate with Brian's statement that "we are withering on the vine here." Often we long for fellowship with like-minded Christians. This is one of the reasons that spurs us to move again, in spite of the great need here.

...transplanting
Pulling up roots again. As an MK, we pulled up and moved several times. I'm sure my mom understands the upheaval of transplanting to a new place, culture, and language, again. As a young mom, my roots grew quickly and easily in the fertile soil of our church family in Ogema, Wisconsin. A transplant two short years later to Chicago wasn't so easy. I was exuberant when God reassigned us to the very sparsely populated and beautiful country of Estonia. And my roots have grown again, slowly, ever so slowly, as I have painstakingly learned a hard language so that I can make friends. In the process we purchased a little spot to call our own and I began planting a garden. My perennials are beginning to look like they belong, sort of like me. And yet, so many things are foreign here - I have never felt completely at home. Still, I stop to visit for an afternoon with a friend, and I come home with a headache. It's hard work to listen in my adopted language. So I have longed many times as we contemplate this next assignment that God would give me a place where I can just stay until the end of my life. No more transplanting, please!

...the soil of God's marvelous love
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I read this translation of Ephesians 3 a few weeks ago. It occurred to me afresh that the roots of my soul will never be satisfied in a place, no matter how conducive to growth it may be. Only when I put my roots down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love will I be filled with God himself. Only when I allow myself to be transplanted into God's presence will I grow tall, lithe, green.

...flourishing
So this mother's day, I thank God for a mother who satisfies the roots of her soul in God's presence daily. And I pray that my children will understand the depth and width of God's marvelous love for them. I pray that as we transplant our family to a new place, our roots will remain steadfastly planted in God's presence, that my children will grow tall like Lebanon cedars.

Eternity in My Heart

2008-05-10T07:30:00.000-07:00

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil – this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him. Ecclesiastes 3:11-14

May 10, 2008

4:37 a.m.

…a time to be silent

I rise with the light of a new day here in Estonia. Typically a late sleeper, today my heart is full with the truth of God’s beauty, his timing, and his completeness. As we conclude our eight years of service in this place, I am assured that God still sees me. Amazing! What he has done here will endure forever. Nothing is wasted in his plan – not one moment of language learning, none of the tears, not one telephone call or visit with a friend, not one fraction of loneliness.

…a time to laugh

Although I cannot see all of his purposes, I don’t need to. It’s not my job. I am simply to “do good” while I live. What better is there to do than God’s work? Gratitude wells up within me that I have had the opportunity to see God making my life and several of those around me beautiful over the last few years. And what a journey we are on as we follow him, this time to Cameroon. What is the next beautiful thing he is going to do in my life, perhaps through tears and weeping, perhaps through laughter and dancing?

…a time to uproot

Yes, we still have lots of questions. Why don’t more men revere him? Why has he allowed us to grieve the death of our dreams for ministry here in Estonia? Why do we need to uproot our family yet again? It is time to give up my search for answers and simply follow.

…a time to keep …a time to throw away

Packing comes next. How do I keep all the memories of God’s goodness? So much must be tossed, given away, or sold. The physical reminders will no longer be at hand, so in writing I erect memorial stones of my own to hold on to, to record God’s faithfulness.

…a time to speak

After months, no years, of upheaval in my heart as I mourn for the job we could not complete here, the realization that no matter how great the storm, God can calm it enters my heart. He knows when the winds blow too strongly in my life and at the right moment, he speaks. Thank you, God, for speaking this week. What may seem like a rash decision to move our family is the culmination of several years of storm. What a privilege to find satisfaction again in our toil. This is the gift of God.