Sleep

"He who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep." Psalm 121:3-4

...Weary
Numerous times I have planned to sit down and write this entry, and just as many times it has been postponed. The electricity shut down and computer batteries were low, so we save for class preparation. Time ran out at the end of a busy day; I'm just too tired to accomplish one more task. We travelled to missionary retreat and spent time with our colleagues returning with more questions than answers about our future. We enjoyed the black silky sand and the pounding waves of the Atlantic on the Cameroon coast. We have now been completely without running water for two weeks straight, which just adds extra work each day: heating water for bucket baths, filling buckets from the gutter run-off in the rain, washing clothes by hand instead of in the machine. Daily, we hear of another tragic death, a widow in dire straights, or an abandoned orphan. I fall into bed each night exhausted, physically and emotionally. And I am thankful for the gift of sleep.

...Dependent
What a lavishly generous gift! Sleep. My strength is restored. My mind is renewed. My spirit awakes refreshed and ready to see God's faithfulness in the new day. In the book "Humility: True Greatness" C.J. Mahaney writes, "The fact is, God could have created us without a need to sleep. But He chose to build this need within us....Each night, as I confront my need again for sleep, I'm reminded that I'm a dependent creature. I am not self-sufficient. I am not the Creator. There is only One who 'will neither slumber nor sleep' and I am not that One."

...Resting
As I continue to say "yes" to God and the lifestyle He has chosen for me to lead this year, I am grateful that He knows better than I how fragile I am. "For He knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust." (Psalm 103:14) He knows I can't handle it. He knows how tired I get. He knows that my emotions become worn each time I face a new impossible situation. He knows all about me. And he lets me sleep. He lets my body rest while He holds the world in His hands. He doesn't need me to sustain anything. He doesn't need my input. He can handle it. He knows all about that widow and that orphan. He knows about my children and their educational needs. He knows about the students in Brian's classes. He knows about the church in Cameroon. He knows about my sister and brother-in-law who are looking for work. He knows about my mom and the eye surgery she faces. He knows all those people about whom I worry. He knows who I am and where I am and He hasn't forgotten me. He knows the past and the future. Isn't it wonderful to lay down and put it all back into His capable hands, aware that He does not slumber. Isn't it good to accept His gracious gift and sleep!

Think About Such Things

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things .... And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8

...expectations
In missionary orientation before we ever left the United States, our instructors outlined expectations for cultural adjustment. We would see all the good, quaint, and lovely at first, followed by a time of crashing down to earth, seeing all the bad, distressing, and ugly. In order to adjust, we were told, we must see both, come to terms with it all and not count it as better or worse than our home culture, just different.

...experience
True to form as we arrived in Estonia, the quaintness of medieval Old Town in Tallinn, the flower stalls lining the sides of the streets, the towering rows of century old oak trees, the serenity of the sea, and the myriad minute differences that made Estonia special caused an immediate infatuation. Eventually, the downside of living in the former Soviet Union became apparent as well. Coming to terms with these issues, my heart fell in love with not only the place, but the people. Certainly living in Estonia was not better or worse than the U.S., just different.

...entering
My love affair with the people and places of Cameroon has gotten off to a very different start. I expected to go through these same stages, but somehow I skipped the first one and went straight to the second, seeing all the bad, distressing, and ugly. From the minute we stepped off our plane into the muggy, smelly airport without any of our 18 pieces of luggage we experienced bumpy roads, dirt, dirt, and more red dirt, rain, uncomfortable transportation, termites, cockroaches (and plenty of other bugs), and even uncomfortable benches in church. The house needed attention, the luggage needed to be found, and everything around seemed distressing. In a word, it all seemed worse. Not only was it worse than the U.S., it was worse than Estonia as well. Several weeks ago, self-assessing my difficulty in having a good attitude in this new place, I realized that I had completely hopped over a key step in my cultural adjustment. The reason for this remains unclear to me. Perhaps I was so wrapped up in saying good-bye that I never prepared myself for the next step. Perhaps I never took time to anticipate the good that God had in store for me. Whatever the reason, I failed to see anything good, quaint, or lovely.

...engaging
Thus, I resolved to fall in love with Cameroon. After all, isn't love really more than infatuation, but a matter of the will? I asked God to change m vision, to help me see the lovely, to notice the praiseworthy, to help me grow to love the people of Cameroon. And amazingly enough, my perspective is changing, not by leaps and bounds, but in small increments each day. A mother steps gracefully, baby bound to her back, bundles in each hand, as she walks home from market balancing her groceries for the week on her head. The me, women, and children of our campus chat cheerfully as they parade past our home each morning on the way to carry water home from the campus well. Our cook laughs heartily at the antics of our four-year-old, and relates stories of her own family. I see cheerful, friendly, laid back yet hard working people. The 400 students sing with gusto and dance enthusiastically as we begin our weekly vespers service, praising God with all their hearts, our small chapel resounding with the beat of the drums. And I am glad. Glad to be part of these lives, these ones who will one day lead the churches of Cameroon. Glad to praise God alongside them. Glad to embrace the challenge of living here. Glad to know that God can change my heart too. Glad to see a glimmer of love beginning to grow in my heart. The "God of peace" is still with me, as He promised, offering peace to me in the place where He has transplanted me.

Standing

“The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught. The Sovereign Lord has opened my ears, and I have not been rebellious; I have not drawn back.” Isaiah 50:4

...morning by morning

Moving to Africa, selling and giving everything we owned in Europe away, saying good-bye (for a second time) to a familiar life, and settling into this place has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Waking to horns and roosters and calls to prayer at 5:30 or 6:00 has been an adjustment (my mom will tell you I’ve never risen this early on purpose one day in my life). Seeing the dirt and grime and trash and poverty so obviously around me every time I step out the door (okay, I don’t even always have to step out the door) is not a lifestyle I would have chosen for myself. Setting up a home in a house where the key word for everything is “temperamental” (translate: has been broken for years and rarely works), mildew abounds, and needed a thorough cleaning has required hours of elbow grease, scrubbing, and painting (of course with inferior quality supplies – the epitome of made in China).

… He wakens my ear to listen like one being taught

This month has been one for me to learn again what it means to follow Jesus wholeheartedly, to say yes again to all He wants me to be. He wants me to humbly say “yes” to the surroundings He has placed me in. I thought I was submitted as I said good-bye in Estonia, but realized that I’ve much yet to learn when I glimpsed the place where I must settle into. I am being taught to say “yes” to cement floors, to say “yes” to a much needed fireplace that doesn’t work (fills the house with smoke) even when we are desperate to heat this mountain home, to say “yes” to constant grime, to say “yes” to hauling water when the tank runs dry, to say “yes” to no electricity much of the time, to say “yes” to lack of internet connection except at the internet room on campus on weekdays when the electricity is on, to say “yes” to humility (having the same attitude as that of Christ Jesus)

…an instructed tongue

We came to teach. Brian has scheduled the lectures and assignments. Students arrive daily. But we realize that we must continue to listen in order to be effective. We must listen to the Holy Spirit’s direction in our own lives. We must learn and be “instructable”. He impresses humility upon us. He gives us opportunity to give to overwhelming needs around us instead of spending on our own desires for comfort. He gives us opportunity not just to say “yes” but to live “yes” with graciousness, without bitterness, and in so doing He molds us into His likeness a little bit more each day.

…I have not drawn back

I want to agree with Isaiah, “I have not been rebellious; I have not drawn back.” I rebel at moments. I tell myself that I can’t do it. Sometimes in my weariness, I wish to draw back completely, to quit and go home, to find a comfortable place to live. But at the same time, God in me sustains me and strengthens me and gives me the courage to yet again, say “yes”. But oh, how I long to not be rebellious, to not draw back from the opportunities God has given us in any way, to run my home in a way that frees Brian to effectively teach. Every morning, I submit myself again to God, drawing near to Him, and not drawing back from the tasks, the people, the place to which He has called me.

…to know the word that sustains the weary

So, no, it’s not all gloom and doom. Bright spots do encourage me each day. God’s blessings abound in my life, although ignoring them allows me to wallow in self-pity from time to time. He sustains us in the small and enormous ways. So, at the risk of sounding trite, I list them for myself each day so that I remember how great is my God, how much He has done for me:

He saved me, gives me a hope and a future.

We have food, abundant, healthy, and good-tasting on our table each day (prepared by a lovely cook).

Our family is together and healthy, all are adjusting without rebellion to this new place.

Our roof doesn’t leak (except when the rain is really strong).

The morning fog as it lifts from the mountains around us is quite lovely (and I am awake to see it, thanks to those roosters)!

The sun each morning dries my laundry.

I have the finances with which to buy paint and fabric to beautify my home.

Brian’s suitcase finally arrived (containing a computer and all his dress clothes) in time before classes started.

The stars at night stun me with their clarity when the electricity is off and nothing else lights the sky.

I found two lovely and comfortable cane chairs, and a fellow missionary donated time and plants so that now I have an oasis on my front porch where I can sit and read or chat with a neighbor.

Some ladies in an unknown church sent towels and linens “to the missionaries” and a few of them came to me through a sea container sent months ago – what a precious gift to have a few new and beautiful items to cheer up my home.

Our colleagues continue to help, encourage, and lend whatever we need. It is good to pray together, and to be part of a team, to have a specific and measurable job each day.

…etc. etc. etc. God has abundantly met our needs through His word, through the material things around us, through the people around us, through you and your prayers on our behalf. He sustains us when we tire out. He instructs us. He is worthy. He is.

P.S. So, for those of you who have, thankfully, noticed my absence – please, keep praying. I have been silent, learning, growing. God has not been silent, molding, teaching, changing me to be more like Him.

Waking

“I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8

…leaving
Friends brought (and cleaned up) a smorgasbord breakfast. Mattresses (the only furniture left in our house) given to our pastor’s wife and tied onto the cars. The house swept out for the last time. Garbage placed by the garage awaiting removal by another friend. The keys left on the table for the real estate agent. Tears streamed as we hugged dear friends. And a prayer of blessing by our pastor sends us with love as we stepped into the car for our last drive through the peaceful and lovely Estonian countryside.

…sobbing
The three hours we planned for checking in was just enough for checking in 18 pieces of very overweight luggage without worry about time constraints. Time enough remained to spend with our very special friend, Heili, as she sent us off with yet more hugs at the airport. The reality and finality of our decision set in as the tears turned to heart-wrenching sobs as we watched the familiar Estonian coastline disappear from the airplane windows. My sadness is stabbing through my heart, but it doesn’t match that of our children. I’ve said good-bye too many times already, unlike our children, who must do it for the first time that they remember. Our Lissy has never once left Estonia without tears, not even for a vacation, and once again I realize how God has given her an incredible love for this land and this people.

…transitioning
Islands we’ve visited many times gradually fade away, and my heart is finally able to turn to that which awaits us in a new country, a new home. How can I do this one more time? How can I allow myself to serve and love and open my heart to the possibility that comes with it for this kind of pain again?

…awakening
Several hours later we step onto the flight which will take us to a new homeland. As we stand in line, each of our children in turn whispers to me (or says out loud in our now quite secret language of Estonian) about the sea of dark faces. We’ve never been so obviously different before. And already as we fly God our hearts begin to awaken to what he has for us. Sarah sits next to an adorable baby and his mother on the plane. She and I get to hold him and care for him so she can stretch her legs. As we wait over two hours for luggage (aka all our earthly possessions/everything that is dear to us) that never arrives, Grace waves, smiles, and blows kisses to her new “Cameroonian friends” who watch and wave back, grinning from the gallery above. Lissy begins her collection of animal stories in Africa by observing the decimation of a mouse under the janitor’s foot. And Nathan waits on the empty carousel sharing one earphone of his MP3 player with the lady who came to meet us at the airport.

…waking
God grants us a peaceful rest. As I awake and walk in the garden of the guest house, childhood memories of Indonesia flood my mind – so many similarities. The girls take a morning dip and our hearts are nudged open just a crack to the new possibilities he has for us in this land and people, new to us, but loved long by him.

Presence

"Submit yourselves, therefore, to God.... Draw near to God and he will draw near to you." James 4:7-8

...attendance
Attending a birthday party or sending a card. Giving a hug to your mom or sending an email. Holding my niece in person or seeing a picture. Being there or not. Present or absent. We appreciate when someone is with us in spirit, but it is oh so much better when their bodies come along with them. To laugh and chat at the birthday party. To feel mom's arms around me. To look into the eyes of the newborn niece. We experience the difference between presence and absence of special people in our lives daily.

...absent
Two days ago, we were present for the last time with our church family here in Estonia. Breaking bread together, encouraging one another, spending time together, knowing that we will be absent in these family celebrations from now on. We shed buckets of tears and used plenty of tissue. We hugged and sniffled our way through so many good-byes. They will feel our absence and we will feel theirs. Our brothers and sisters in Estonia sent us as we embark on a new mission with love and encouragement. Our pastor gave us a very timely reminder about God's presence in our lives.

...present
How sad it would be if God were not present. How wonderful when we experience his arms of love around us. "Submit yourselves, therefore, to God. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." His nearness is so precious, the reality of God so reassuring. But until we lay everything on the altar, submitting completely to his will in obedience, drawing near to him on his terms, he does not reveal his presence completely either. We cannot prove the delights of his love until we choose to trust and obey. We walk through this week of good-byes sensing the absence of dear friends already. We walk in obedience and trust, and God's nearness, his powerful presence enfolds us, surrounds us, and allows us to carry on in hope. He attends me. He shows up, in person. He, the maker of heaven and earth, chooses to reveal himself and draws near to me.

Cushion

"The Lord will keep you from all harm—He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." (vv. 7-8)

July. Our month of comings and goings. And in the midst of it all, my sister sent me this encouraging note. Coming from an MK who moved after 9th grade, she's the only one I know who may truly understand how my daughter, Lissy, feels about our going. Transition stress is also a current experience for her. She understands me better than she knows.

Just want you to know I've been holding you up in prayer today. I am trusting God to bring buyers for your car and house and to help you get everything done without feeling too stressed in the next couple weeks. But mostly I pray for your heart. I can't really imagine all the emotions which must flood into your mind and heart throughout each day, but I'm sure they are a jumble of sadness, anticipation, apprehension, grief, etc. Although I can't say I totally understand, I do remember vividly what it was like to stand on the steps of the Garuda plane looking back at my "homeland" knowing I would never see it again . . . and then crying all the way to Jakarta. I had only had a couple weeks to absorb the news, and I think I was still stunned. I know God has given you a love for the land and people of Estonia, and it must wrench your heart to say good-bye to it all . . . and yet there is so much ahead which will be fulfilling, but still unknown, and different . . . I pray that He who created your heart will sustain and cushion it during this transition, and that He will do the same for each of your family. I know He is big enough to carry Lissy through the unknown and use this year to draw her closer to Him. I know He is big enough to give you the wisdom, grace, and strength to face a new country and climate and culture and language. I know He is big enough to enable Brian to teach a bunch of classes he has never taught before. I know He is big enough to be all that you need. I saw a phrase yesterday which says it better that I can: "I know I am not, but I know I AM." I pray that you will know the empowering and tender compassion of I AM today. I don't even pretend to understand what you're going through, but I do understand a jumble of emotions while following God in trust to an unknown place . . . I hope these promises from Psalm 121 will encourage you today: "The Lord will keep you from all harm—He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." (vv. 7-8)

Yes, God will sustain and cushion our hearts. He will watch over our lives. He watches our going from Estonia. He watches our coming to Cameroon. And I believe this cushion is softer because people like my sister and dear friends in our supporting churches take the time to pray and to encourage us. I know I am not capable to bring my family through this, but I know I AM, and I AM is watching me, creating a pillow for each of our hearts.

Living Simply

"For to me, to live is Christ." Philippians 1:21

...enriched
An Estonian proverb tells us, "You are as many people as languages you know." Of course, many Estonians fluently speak as many as five languages. They understand how one is enriched by living in a new culture. So shouts the question, "Who are you after eight years of knowing Estonian? Are you different than when you began the language learning process?" Often as I reflect, I wonder if this process of "missions" has been more for my benefit than that of those around me. Missions by nature must be others oriented, but perhaps I'm the one who has grown the most.

...living simply
I have learned to live simply. To simply live before God, honestly, using my own gifts, not trying to pretend. I am only Stephanie and I simply offer who I am to God each day, allowing him to use me, my time, my resources, my relationships for his purposes. It would be so easy to become discouraged, wishing I was more outgoing, like the missionary who left the field right before I arrived, or a more capable starter of great things, or a more effective mobilizer of people, or... But I am simply me, and if God so chooses to use me at all, I am content.


...worshipping simply
My personal worship has evolved as well. I have learned to live simply in worship, to present myself to him seriously and with awe, to bow (literally) before him in prayer, to lift my arms in praise. The two churches we regularly attend approach worship very differently. In one, I experience the awesomeness of God, the seriousness of my sin, and my great need for forgiveness. We bow humbly in prayer, we solemnly sing in minor key, and we rarely speak to one another until the service is over, concentrating completely on a relationship with the living God. As we enter the other, we experience the value of relationship with one another and the freedom to express our joy in worhip. The gratitude overflows from our hearts expressed in heartfelt (and often very loud and rythmic) song. We dance and lift our arms in joy! Very different, but both important in true worhip. I have learned from both to worship simply and honestly, with no pretence or pride or worry about what others may think of the ways I express myself. The position of my body expresses the state of my soul before God.

...living simply with less

I have learned to live simply in material things, not holding on to that which is non-essential. In a country where many families share a small one bedroom apartment, we see how little is necessary, how much is luxury. In a country where shops are not filled with unlimited choices, we eat simple food and wear the same thing several times a week. We enjoy nature and take pleasure in being with the people around us, rather than depending on entertainment options to keep us busy. Living with low expectations frees us to really glory in moments of luxury from time to time. Living with less frees us to concentrate on eternally important aspects of life.

...simply living

I have learned to simply live, not filling our time with unnecessary pursuits, but maintaining priorities which are pleasing to God. Coming from a country where we sign our children up for any number of activities, taxi them around, and generally just spend a great deal of time doing, I have learned a great deal here about "being". Estonians gladly take their month of vacation and go nowhere. They rarely overstress about getting things done. (Yes, I have noticed the downsides of this mentality, but lessons for simply living also abound.) We have learned to limit our choices as a family, not because there is nothing to do here or to be involved in, but limiting ourselves to a few involvements enables us to live more intentionally as a family, as witnesses in our community, as part of the family of God.

... simple solitude
I have learned the simple beauty of quietness, of space for the soul, even in busy places. I can pass any number of people as I walk without interruption of my thoughts (no passing greetings). We are able to shop in a busy grocery store and no one would think of commenting about my baby or the weather. In a place that seems unfriendly at first glance, I now understand that silence is truly golden. When I visit the USA, I find myself mildly irritated when a stranger interrupts my thoughts while I'm out walking. Have I grown unfriendly? No, I have learned the sereneness of solitude.

...simply me
The core of who I am has essentially changed by the years I have spent delving into this place with these precious people, my friends. But am I two different people as the proverb seems to say? No, I will never again be the person I was when I arrived here. I am a simpler, less complicated person, able to live more purposefully, more intentionally than ever before. I desire a simple life, living simply for Christ.