Settle Down

And the God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

I Peter 5:10

…no more wiggling

“Settle down!” I remind Nathan and Grace when they come in with their active play from outdoors. There just isn’t enough room for them to play in the same way in our house. “Settle down,” I whisper as I hush Grace after she has gotten a scrape. “Settle down,” I tell our children as we walk into the sanctuary before the service starts. Some places are intended for quietness. At times I “settle” Grace in to the car for a long ride with a pillow and blanket or “settle” her into bed for the night – no more wiggling. “Settle down!” I urge Lissy when she phones home in the midst of a stressful moment.

…grass is always greener

Settle down is what I’ve been trying to do all my life. We Americans say our early pioneers “settled” our country when they built houses and began farming the west. We say young people “settle down” when they get married and start a family. To settle down is so stable, so steadfast, so at peace. Wanderlust, the longing to move on or to try a new lifestyle, keeps me from ever feeling too settled. Even when it appears that my home is settled in one place, my heart seems unwilling to settle down. The grass is always greener syndrome kicks in. In Indonesia… In Oregon… In Chicago… In Estonia… In Switzerland… In Cameroon… In some new unknown location life would be easier, better, simpler, more stress-free. I’d at least be trading known frustrations for a new adventure… For the first time in my life the grass is literally greener in my own front yard. Our newly planted crop is the greenest in our whole town and reminded me of my “grass is always greener” syndrome. A move never solves all my problems. My heart is ever unsettled.

…settle down

In I Peter it says that God will make me firm and steadfast. Another version says he will “settle” me. Isn’t it good that I don’t have to “calm myself down”, that God will do the “settling”. Somehow he will cause my heart to calm down in the midst of those situations that cause me to worry. Where will we find the money for yet another emergency? How will we provide the good things our children should have like braces? Where will I find the wisdom to help them pursue the right choices as they finish high school? He will settle me when I tend to grasp at straws and squirm under life’s pressures. We’re told that he whose heart is steadfast trusts in God. How do I settle down? Trust. Calming my heart does not depend on location or even on any outside circumstance. Just as Grace must trust me to comfort her when she is sad, to provide her with a warm blanket and a safe place to sleep, to quiet her in my arms, so I must trust God for comfort, provision, and his quieting presence.

Aliens and Strangers

All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country – a heavenly one. Therefore, God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. Hebrews 11: 13-16

…aliens and strangers

For two years, I’ve struggled to find home in my passport country. We’ve built a house, rekindled friendships, trekked across America visiting relatives, forged new friendships, and introduced our kids to their passport country with all its culture and quirks. Some things are so familiar, so reassuring. Other days I watch with distaste and I would rather never adjust completely to this place. Shopping is so easy, but materialism so rampant. Casual clothes are so comfortable, but why do all my neighbors wear jeans and t-shirts to the fine arts concert at school? Understanding the nuances of the language around me is a daily relief, but the language and images on our television is frightening. In many ways, I will never again be home in this world. I admit it: I’m an alien in my passport country. I look like I belong, I sound like I belong, I may even act like I belong, but I will always be a stranger in the way I think.

…opportunity to return

Some days I wish to pack my bags and hop on an airplane. Not because I’m convinced that God needs me on the other side of the world, but because I miss the lifestyle of travel, and the challenge of interacting with people who think differently than me. I long to bump into people who are comfortable with transition between place and culture, who understand my reference points. I wish for my kids to find a place of belonging outside of our house. I’d love to show my family my childhood haunts, or visit the places of their childhood with them once more. How fantastic it would be to hug a friend and chat over a cup of tea or celebrate Midsummer’s Eve again. Other days I just wish to fit in, to think the way my friends and neighbors in rural Wisconsin think, to be satisfied with similar pursuits.

But do I long to be wholly comfortable with my passport culture? No. I prefer the person and the perspective I am now. The inclinations of my heart grow more and more like they should be with each passing challenge and change God has allowed me to experience.

…a better country

For that matter, do I long to be comfortable in this fallen world? Sometimes, but I recognize that those moments of joy and satisfaction are on the whole a shadow of the perfectness to come, not a reality to expect in this life. On days when my life as a pastor’s wife shows me again and again the tragedy and sadness of this world, I am so glad to remember that many people have died living by faith, and welcoming the things promised from a distance. Therein lies the poignancy of the day to day: to bear the heartaches and the longings… to see what could be but isn’t... to admit that life isn’t what it should be… to see sin and its consequences around me… to cry for what is… and all the while to catch glimpses of the things promised and to welcome them from a distance. And then I realize that although I am an alien, I am not alone. It is as it should be. Any believer, no matter where we take up residence, should feel the same way I do, never quite comfortable, always longing for a better country.

Whispers

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Oh Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.” Psalm 19:14

My voice is still scratchy. I won’t be singing for awhile. Pneumonia has had its way in my body this fall. But after a month of whispers, my voice is on its way back. While whispering, my thoughts wandered around these ideas:

When I whisper, others have to come close to hear me…

No more hollering between rooms or passing messages from one floor of the house to another. If Brian wanted my opinion on a matter, he had to come close. If the kids wanted my help or permission to go somewhere, they had to get near to me for the answer. Scripture compares God’s voice to a whisper. Am I close enough to hear it? James tells us, “Draw near to God and he will draw near to you.” Have I “drawn near” to God? Have I sat down at his feet and listened? Have I heard his whispers of love, of guidance? Oh God, please whisper to me…

When I whisper, others often whisper back…

It’s as if quiet becomes the rule. It’s not posted anywhere, “NO TALKING OUT LOUD”. But the natural response is for soft words to reign. Grace whispered her answers to me. The nurses whispered back to me. Even people on the phone responded with a whisper. When God whispers, do I whisper also? Am I letting him set the tone of my life? Do I pass his gentleness on? Are my words worth hearing, like his? Oh God, let me mimic you…

When I can only whisper, I listen far more, and the words I choose are not idle…

The more I used my voice, the more it hurt. So I only whispered when it was of some value to me. Small talk? I’d rather not talk. I thought of Zachariah who couldn’t talk at all. When writing, he had no use for small talk and got right to the point, “His name is John.” – an answer in obedience, exactly as God had directed. Now that I have the option, am I still choosing my words with care? Am I wasting my breath and voice box on worthless drivel and idle chatter? Oh Lord, may my words be pleasing…

“May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Oh Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.”

The Master Builder

Psalm 127:1-2

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain.

Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain.

In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat –

For he grants sleep to those he loves.

The sounds of summer have given way to the murmurs of fall, the shouts of kids enjoying the sun replaced by quiet steady rainfall while they are in school. In this moment I realize that a year has come full circle. The sounds of hammers and air compressors have given way to the quiet hum of a refrigerator in a new kitchen, the buzz of saws replaced by a peaceful minute to reflect.

building…

Our project nears completion. A year ago, brambles scratched our legs as we looked over a building site. Today we walk down a poured concrete drive, up the porch steps and enter a beautiful front door. Many hours measuring, cutting, holding, nailing, staining, and sanding show up in warm floors and cozy walls. But a year of building yields more than a house.

With each friend who stopped by to lend a hand for a day, God was building friendship and community into our lives. With each construction loan payment, God was building our trust in his provision. We had learned to see his provision through a missionary paycheck, but now his provision comes from so many sources, food from a friend’s garden, hand-me-downs from a cousin, a mechanic who keeps our cars running without charging us. With the completion of a new mailbox and numbers on our house, God was building a sense of rootedness and belonging for this family of wanderers. With looming deadlines, God was building perseverance and patience into our character.

guarding…

In our little town, our doors are always open, but that doesn’t mean we’re not watching out. This move to small town USA has been all about guarding our family. In fact, as a pastor’s family, guardianship is a key part of shepherding our church family as well. So we as parents stand guard as we watch what media enters our home and as we discuss the concepts that come home in public school textbooks. We stand guard over our church family as we pray for them, learn to know their hearts, teach and encourage them. We even try to stand guard over our own hearts because we are all prone to wander.

sleeping…

Building and guarding a family, building and guarding a church family requires many hours. These hours are not spent measuring, cutting, nailing, and staining, but praying, listening, learning, and guiding. We often rise early or stay up late, toiling for sustenance that will nourish us and strengthen us to live well. But isn’t it good to know that these efforts are not in vain because “while they sleep” the Master Builder and Watchman “provides for those he loves.”

Giants in the Land

He is your praise; he is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes. Deuteronomy 10:21

…giants
When we made the decision to return to the States and resign from missions six months ago, our situation seemed bleak. We owed monthly payments on a house in a country where we no longer lived. We had no job. We have four children to house and feed. We were giving up what felt to us like a stable and secure financial situation to move to northern Wisconsin. Lots of factors led to our decisions, but the long and short of it is that we felt God was leading us to a pretty narrow geographical region, within about a 30 mile radius of a little town we used to live in, Ogema. We felt like we were facing giants in the land. Where would we get a job or a house in this little place? What about all the people losing jobs in America? Isn’t it a bit crazy to quit ours, especially realizing our limited marketable skills? Why not go somewhere bigger, with more opportunities? But we did indeed sense God’s specific leading and began to act upon it.

…conquering the giants
And like the Israelites as they obeyed the specific direction of the Lord, we have seen God go before us, performing miracles on our behalf. Six months later, looking back, we can see the hand of God and his amazing timing and his awesome wonders in our life.

Five months ago, we heard of four pastoral positions opening up in a span of six months, all within the radius we wanted to be in, so we applied. This was a miracle all by itself, since there are so few evangelical churches in this area.

Three months ago, a friend went to work looking for suitable housing for us. She found a four bedroom house, fully furnished, for us to use over the summer. Wow! Does God care? Does he provide?

Two months ago we learned that one of the churches was not going to hire Brian. A few days later another of the churches called to schedule a phone interview with him, so two days after we arrived in the U.S.A. he was already doing a job interview. God provided clothes, sports equipment, food, dishes, help moving in to our new home, free passes to the Creation Museum for our family vacation, and so many more little things as we made the transition to our new temporary home.

And within the last two weeks, God’s timing in our lives has been so evident. Two days before our power of attorney ran out in Estonia, our house sold and closed! We no longer had to worry about travelling back to sell our house and instead of payments on a house we aren’t using, we have a great down payment on a new place. Several days later, Woodland Church called Brian to be their pastor. So not only has God given us a job, but he has given us the desire of our heart, to continue serving in a ministry setting full time. Not a lot of houses are available in this little area that are suitable for our family, so God did another little miracle for our family by making a 2 acre plot of land available for purchase right on the road at the edge of town where we hoped to be and allowing us to start a family project we’ve always dreamed of – building a home. And to make it all possible we needed a house to rent for one year. So to top it all off, a house just right for our family will be ready to move in to this week, and not a day earlier, just in time to get settled before school starts.
… living in the land
We began to worship with our new church family yesterday, and feel so blessed to be loved right from the start, to know that God has led us together beyond any shadow of doubt, by his direct intervention in our lives, and in his perfect timing. We don’t know what is in store for our family or for our new church family, but whatever may come in the days ahead, we do know that God has clearly placed us among these people.

Like the Israelites, we are a stiff-necked people. God hasn’t given us his blessing because of our merit, but only because he has chosen us to be his own and because of his great mercy. To think that a year ago, we almost came to the states, bypassing Cameroon. Had we not obeyed and gone to Cameroon, we would have missed seeing this season of blessing in our lives. Often he allows us to wander in the desert, teaching us, humbling us to walk in his ways. But once in a while, he allows us to see his great wonders in our lives. Forbid that we should become proud and think that we “did” any of this or forget the Lord our God, who has done these things. We, like the Israelites, must be careful to remember him as we eat and are satisfied, as we build a house and settle down, to remember to give him the praise. “And now, O Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the Lord’s commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?” Deut. 10:12-13

Beside Quiet Waters

“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.” Psalm 23 1-3

Whirlwind . . .

A busy weekend included a grand, colorful, and jubilant graduation ceremony with several thousand people celebrating together and parties afterwards. It also included the last stages of packing and parting with stuff as we prepared to leave the place that had been our home for the academic year. And much of our busy weekend was spent saying good-bye to people who had become special to us over the course of the year. Two days of travelling for the last time over bumpy roads reminded us that Cameroon was going to keep on being Cameroon right through to the end of our stay. Our bags and shoes were doused with muddy water coming through the rusted floor of our taxi as we drove over mud holes in the road and the toilet in our guest house on the way out was not working. Stepping onto the Swiss plane in Douala, Cameroon was like stepping into another world. One day and two continents later, we greeted grandparents and relatives, ate Dairy Queen and Taco Bell, admired the well manicured lawns of suburbia, purchased a car, a couch and a computer, and went to an amusement park.

We face a multitude of choice wherever we go. Shopping for simple items and ordering at a fast food restaurant make for stressful moments as we relearn how to live in the United States. After ten months with nowhere to go and having to create our own excitement, we have a myriad of activities to choose from, from jumping on the trampoline at Grandma’s to the go-kart to fishing to shopping to …to…to……. Of course, some things take no thought at all. Hug that special person again? You bet – I have to make up for all the hugs I missed these last four years. Haircut and highlights? Absolutely, no matter the cost! Pedicure to remove the red dirt? Gotta schedule that!

Beside quiet waters . . .

In the midst of all the changes and choices, I could easily be overwhelmed. But I am reminded that He is leading me. As we walk through the doors He has opened for us, like moving back to Wisconsin, we realize that He is leading us to just the right spot for our family at this time. As we drove the six hours northwest from Chicago, we left suburbia behind and found ourselves in the north woods. The terrain and trees are familiar and pleasant, not much different from the northern country of Estonia – plenty of birch and pine. The stress of a year left me with each turn of the tires. The lakes, the sky, the trees refresh my soul. But even more refreshing is the assurance that God is leading the way. His rod nudges me to the right place for my soul. And he provides more than a place to be restored, he provides the people who welcome us with food and help unload our truck, people who set-up and clean as we settle in. He sends old friends and a few new ones to make sure more than our stuff is unpacked, but help us unpack our hearts as well with a few well-worded questions and a listening ear. He provides a home just three doors down from the church where we can use wifi and just across the street from the elementary school where our kids can play. He notices my fifteen year old by giving her a cousin who just decided to buy her a hair straightener and curling iron to replace the 220 V versions she had to leave behind. He cares for my twelve year old by giving her a bagful of clothes, just perfect for her, some with the tags still on – an expensive hoodie that suits her beautifully that I never could afford to give her. He pays attention to my ten year old when a family with several boys stops by to welcome us on our first day in Ogema and they end up staying and playing for several hours. He remembers our four year old by making sure someone donated her favorite kind of cereal for our food shower – it was waiting in our cupboard just for her. Amazing. Where God leads He always provides.

He restores my soul . . .

My soul needs restoration, to be put back into condition. A car might be restored so it can be driven and enjoyed again. A house or piece of furniture can be made “like new” to be lived in or used again. And in order to be most useful to God, my soul needs restoration from time to time. Coming back from this term of service we may be a bit “used up” in ways. Our souls have received a few nicks and bruises, a few scratches and scrapes. God has been molding and shaping us, giving us a unique set of experiences and character qualities. God knows and is making us ready for his next assignment for us. As we take our month of vacation, we’re not doing much, not travelling far, not going to too many places. As yet with no firm job offers, we could be anxious and worried, but it seems that God would have us relax and rest and allow our souls to be refreshed. And so we take each day for what it is – a chance to be renewed and ready to be used again. Where that might be, we are not yet sure. What he may have us do, he has not yet indicated. But we want to be in condition, to have spiritual vigor and health, that we may be ready for service when he shows us the next step forward.

Countdowns

God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. James 4:6

…counting down
Each day I hear, “Only __ more days until hot showers, or until Taco Bell, or until we see so and so…” A few members of our family have been counting the days until America. It started around 100. Now only 5 days remain until we leave Ndu. Ten months ago we started a new life on a new continent. I was hoping we’d find a place where we would be indefinitely, a place to continue our career as missionaries. Long-term ministry is what I was longing for. But in a few short days we close the door on this life and make one more transition. Maybe Brian, who grew up in the States, is going home. But the rest of us are starting a new life on a new continent. Sure, some things and people will be familiar. Certainly we look forward to many of the experiences we will have. But for me, this is the biggest change of all. Ever since I was in third grade I have wished for God to allow me to be the one to go into mission work. For the first time in 31 years, I sense God saying no to me going. It’s time not only to settle into a new home, look for a new job, but also to look for a new way to participate in God’s plan for the unreached people of the world. As we count down the days, some of our family are thrilled with the prospect of seeing cousins, grandparents, and eating Dairy Queen on the way home from the airport. But as the date draws nearer, I shed tears, wishing that submission to God’s plan for me would feel easier. Sure, I want to see everyone, but I wish it was yet another home assignment, that I wasn’t saying good-bye to Africa, to missions, to this life-style I love.

…doubting
The verse, one of the first I learned as a child, has been “my verse” for 2008-2009, James 4:7-8. Submit yourselves, then, to God. This I have to do daily in humility and dependence on him, and it has through lots of little steps, brought us to this big step that we are taking as we move back to the states. We believe the decision is directed by God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. As we take the steps of submission and obedience, I doubt. I doubt if we heard God’s voice correctly. I doubt if God will really provide a seller for our house in Estonia. I doubt if he will give us a new job in Wisconsin. I doubt his plan. I don’t understand it because the need is still great, both in Estonia and in Cameroon and in many other places around the world. I doubt that my Father really knows me, or why would he ask me to take this step. And then I am reminded that I must resist Satan and all the doubts he plants in my mind. Come near to God and he will come near to you. This is when I obey in spite of my doubts. I cannot be double-minded, but I must single-mindedly follow him.

…keep counting
So the countdown continues… The countdown to seeing how God will provide. The countdown to feeling at home in a new place. The countdown to renewing friendships and making new ones. The countdown to finding a new way to be involved in missions. Many of you who read my blog have been our faithful friends and supporters. You read so that you can pray for us. I’m counting down the days until I am the one reading the blogs of missionaries and praying alongside you.