With Us

“…and they will call him Immanuel – which means, “God with us.” Matthew 1:23

…had I known
I’ve been asked several times since my arrival in Cameroon, “But if you had really known what it was like here, would you have come?” It’s an interesting question to think about. Had I been aware of how often we’d be living without water and electricity, how dusty and cold our house would be, how “cut off” from the world we’d be, would I have come? Many times, we think it would have been nice to know a little more ahead of time, to prepare, to bring with us a few more items to make our life more enjoyable.

…He knew
The God who is with us, who left the perfection of heaven knowingly and willingly, to live in our dusty, dirty world has gained my respect in a new way this season. When I think of all the little luxuries I long for, I wonder what it is that Jesus longed for as he lived in our world. Did He miss the immediacy of being with the Father? Did he cry over the dirtiness of his temporary habitat, the constant sinfulness he faced each day? He stepped into our world, knowingly giving up perfection, and he didn’t quit or go home early. He didn’t bring anything along to make life more comfortable in our world. He didn’t leave the job half done. Thirty-three years, without a home assignment, without a sabbatical. No colleague who really understood. Not even the appearance of great results to keep him motivated. How did He do it? How amazing that He didn’t give up on us and go home.

…with us
Our answer is yes, we would have come. We’re thankful that we didn’t come empty handed – our suitcases, most of them eventually arrived. We’re glad for family who filled ten boxes and sent them via sea container to make our life more comfortable. And we were really thrilled to go pick up those ten boxes, cleared through customs and delivered to a near-by hospital yesterday. What fun to put Christmas presents under the tree! What joy to give Sarah a few new outfits to wear instead of the two sets she’s been alternating between each day since July. All the stuff adds pleasure to our lives, but the only way we remain content, is with the knowledge that the God who authored incarnation, is with us still. Immanuel knows what it’s like to live in a foreign, sinful, dirty place. He understands what it’s like to live far from home and to long for it. And He knows the pleasure of going home one day. This is the day we truly long for – not just back stateside, but for our permanent home, with Immanuel forever.

The Frame

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6

…the frame

A few years ago, I taught a Christmas lesson. The visuals included a frame made up of all the “trimmings” of the holidays (cookies, trees, Santa, bells, church, candles) and a beautiful picture of the manger in the center. What does a frame do for a painting? Perhaps the right frame, chosen correctly, enhances the picture itself. Perhaps the frame helps the picture fit in to a setting. Or on occasion, we blunder by choosing a frame that is so elaborate, the frame draws more attention than the picture itself. Has the frame changed the work of art? No, the purpose of the frame is to show that the painting is a masterpiece, finished, beautiful, and worthy to receive the attention it deserves, to draw attention to the picture itself.

Our celebration of Christmas this year in Cameroon reminds me of this lesson. Our frame for the celebration of the advent of Jesus is simpler than it has ever been. Lights? Haven’t seen any, except for the beautiful stars each night. Candles? Plenty of these, especially when the electricity is out – all one shape and size, all white, and no dripless version available. Christmas programs to attend? No “Nutcracker” this year, like we were able to see in Tallinn. No Sunday school presentation for our children to participate in. No piano lessons this year, so no recital to go to. The girls don’t dance in a national dance group here like they did in Estonia, so no dance performances to dress for and drive to. No chance to hear the “Messiah.” What about snow? Surely we don’t expect a white Christmas this year, although Brian keeps threatening to sift flour over our yard or tape white poster paper to our windows just for effect. We do, however, have a fireplace that doesn’t smoke if we build the fire properly in the back left corner. In fact, we enjoy its coziness. Gifts? Nothing to buy that interests our children. If the sea container with gifts purchased by my folks in August doesn’t clear customs in the next few days, we won’t have gifts to put under the tree for the first time ever. Advent calendars with chocolate to count down the days? Sorry, kids, not an option this year. The drive to Grandma’s house? Definitely not doable this year either. But we look forward to seeing everyone again next Christmas.

What makes up our simple frame this year? First, we collect green stuff. Cypress branches are easily available and last for about 2 weeks in water. Besides that, they are beautiful. A tree, definitely the Charlie Brown version, also cypress, stands in our living room. The branches look lovely, but the tree looks a bit gangly, especially with no lights, no garland, and no ornaments. We plan to come up with our very own handmade paper, cookie, popcorn, and fruit solutions for the decorations. Second, we make treats. Although not gingerbread, we bake brown sugar cut-outs and a few other traditional treats with our available supplies. We also celebrate two European traditions that we’ve picked up in the last ten years: St. Nicholas Day with animal shaped rolls, oranges and peanuts; and the elves who come each night to leave a treat in our children’s slippers as they do in Estonia (the treats are a bit monotonous, but we haven’t heard any complaints) have located us in Cameroon. Thirdly, we listen to Christmas music. We appreciate this real piece of home – no adaptation on this one. And lastly, we created a very simple advent wreath with our one-size-fits-all candles. It is lovely and colleagues lent us a book with readings from Scripture for us to read each day and a short program for us to do as a family each Sunday.

…the masterpiece
With our severely limited options, we have had an amazingly simple December this year. No programs fill up our calendars. No stores entice us to shop and spend. Our simple framework has provided abundant time to ponder the Masterpiece. Isn’t He beautiful? Our Wonderful Counselor and Mighty God comforts us when we long for home, guides us and reveals himself to us through his word. Our Everlasting Father reminds us of his presence in our lives each day. The Prince of Peace has given us peace with God and helps us to be content with how he has provided for us this year. Emmanuel is indeed with us. A simple frame merits some thought for the future. Perhaps our understanding of the Perfect Work of Art has been enhanced more than ever in the simplicity of it all.

Luxury

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17

Growing up in Indonesia, I had a missionary uncle who often said, “You can live without the necessities if you have a few luxuries!” Immense appreciation for some of the luxuries in my life overwhelms me from time to time. What are luxuries in Cameroon?

October. A month between rainy season and dry season. A beautiful time to enjoy the beauty of Cameroon without mud or dust.

A hot shower. What a pleasure to wash away the grime and dust of dry season or the mud during rainy season, to have not only water, but hot running water.

My front porch. Solitude and quiet in the cool mornings as I take a few moments for meditation and to enjoy the roses, hibiscus, dahlias, and lilies growing in my newly established flower bed. This continues to be a lovely place to sit since here in Africa we won’t be seeing snow this year.

A cook. After almost a month without her due to her father’s illness and death, I realize that though we can get by without a cook, my life is far more manageable with her around. I can do the marketing and get simple meals on the table along with homeschooling and laundry. But without a cook I have time for nothing else except sleep. The month without her was exhausting. With our very lovely and skilled cook, my time is freed to enjoy my family, to correspond, to become involved in the lives of people around me, and my family enjoys meals I would never have time to prepare myself (like hamburgers and tacos – grinding all the meat, making your own buns or tortillas, etc).

Cheese and chocolate. At $40 for a ball of cheese, every pizza we enjoy is a luxury. Swiss chocolate is also available for a price; in my humble opinion, it is well worth every penny.

A haircut. Haven’t had one of these for awhile and really wish for one.

A mission vehicle. We have been blessed with the use of a Toyota Land Cruiser able to maneuver on the worst roads for the rest of our year here. We can make to the trip to the city now at half the cost of public transport and far more comfortably for our family. We have regained a taste of “independent” living, being able to come and go as we please and hope to make a few outings to enjoy some nearby cliffs, fields of rock, and waterfalls.

The internet. Our service is quite sporadic. Moments of communication, receiving news of the world, family, and friends, are precious luxuries after days of failure to connect.

Isn’t He a wonderful Father, providing so much more than we need, but providing food for our souls as well? Thank you, Father, for the luxuries we enjoy.

Exuberant gratitude

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever. Psalm 136:1

…tragedy
Tragedy abounds. Not a day goes by that I don’t hear another heart rending story. A woman dies leaving her five young children in the care of an irresponsible and drunken father who has other wives and takes no interest in them. A baby dies of AIDS and the mother’s family is blamed even though the father was the carrier of the disease. Another father disappoints his children by “forgetting” to pay the school fees after running off to the city. A mother kills her own child by putting a stick in its mouth shortly after giving birth. An eight year old schoolboy is tricked into becoming involved with witchcraft. A cornfield ready to harvest is destroyed by wandering cows and a family staves off starvation this year. A drunken husband beats his wife and children, and in a fit of rage throws all the children’s clothes and kitchen supplies into the toilet.

…comfort
Joy abounds. I have never seen a people so ready to laugh, to enjoy one another’s company. They are a people who in spite of immense heartache find moments of comfort, especially by being together. We never hear of an ailing or troubled person left alone to deal with his trouble. A sick person’s room is filled with well-wishers. Children left to fend for them selves find a place to eat and sleep by a neighbor’s or auntie’s fire. The community shares the joy and the pain.

…gratitude
Hearts are full of gratitude despite the many reasons to become discouraged. It is said, you are as many people as languages you have learned. Although I still speak English here, a new facet is emerging in my worship and way of thinking as I live in this culture. I have never been so close to the earth, to life, to death, and to the tragedies and triumphs that are experienced on this level before. As I worship alongside my Cameroonian colleagues and neighbors, I am learning to rejoice in God as never before. The sincere gratitude for God’s provision eloquently emerges as our harvest offering becomes the highlight of our worship. Our offering consumes well over half an hour as each of the 800 people attending dance forward and bring the first fruits of their crops to present to the Lord. The exuberant singing evidences their complete faith in God’s sufficiency to provide for every need, emotional and material. Above all He provides for our souls and gives us hope for the future. He is truly our Jehovah Jireh, our provider. His grace is sufficient for me.

Sleep

"He who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep." Psalm 121:3-4

...Weary
Numerous times I have planned to sit down and write this entry, and just as many times it has been postponed. The electricity shut down and computer batteries were low, so we save for class preparation. Time ran out at the end of a busy day; I'm just too tired to accomplish one more task. We travelled to missionary retreat and spent time with our colleagues returning with more questions than answers about our future. We enjoyed the black silky sand and the pounding waves of the Atlantic on the Cameroon coast. We have now been completely without running water for two weeks straight, which just adds extra work each day: heating water for bucket baths, filling buckets from the gutter run-off in the rain, washing clothes by hand instead of in the machine. Daily, we hear of another tragic death, a widow in dire straights, or an abandoned orphan. I fall into bed each night exhausted, physically and emotionally. And I am thankful for the gift of sleep.

...Dependent
What a lavishly generous gift! Sleep. My strength is restored. My mind is renewed. My spirit awakes refreshed and ready to see God's faithfulness in the new day. In the book "Humility: True Greatness" C.J. Mahaney writes, "The fact is, God could have created us without a need to sleep. But He chose to build this need within us....Each night, as I confront my need again for sleep, I'm reminded that I'm a dependent creature. I am not self-sufficient. I am not the Creator. There is only One who 'will neither slumber nor sleep' and I am not that One."

...Resting
As I continue to say "yes" to God and the lifestyle He has chosen for me to lead this year, I am grateful that He knows better than I how fragile I am. "For He knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust." (Psalm 103:14) He knows I can't handle it. He knows how tired I get. He knows that my emotions become worn each time I face a new impossible situation. He knows all about me. And he lets me sleep. He lets my body rest while He holds the world in His hands. He doesn't need me to sustain anything. He doesn't need my input. He can handle it. He knows all about that widow and that orphan. He knows about my children and their educational needs. He knows about the students in Brian's classes. He knows about the church in Cameroon. He knows about my sister and brother-in-law who are looking for work. He knows about my mom and the eye surgery she faces. He knows all those people about whom I worry. He knows who I am and where I am and He hasn't forgotten me. He knows the past and the future. Isn't it wonderful to lay down and put it all back into His capable hands, aware that He does not slumber. Isn't it good to accept His gracious gift and sleep!

Think About Such Things

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things .... And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8

...expectations
In missionary orientation before we ever left the United States, our instructors outlined expectations for cultural adjustment. We would see all the good, quaint, and lovely at first, followed by a time of crashing down to earth, seeing all the bad, distressing, and ugly. In order to adjust, we were told, we must see both, come to terms with it all and not count it as better or worse than our home culture, just different.

...experience
True to form as we arrived in Estonia, the quaintness of medieval Old Town in Tallinn, the flower stalls lining the sides of the streets, the towering rows of century old oak trees, the serenity of the sea, and the myriad minute differences that made Estonia special caused an immediate infatuation. Eventually, the downside of living in the former Soviet Union became apparent as well. Coming to terms with these issues, my heart fell in love with not only the place, but the people. Certainly living in Estonia was not better or worse than the U.S., just different.

...entering
My love affair with the people and places of Cameroon has gotten off to a very different start. I expected to go through these same stages, but somehow I skipped the first one and went straight to the second, seeing all the bad, distressing, and ugly. From the minute we stepped off our plane into the muggy, smelly airport without any of our 18 pieces of luggage we experienced bumpy roads, dirt, dirt, and more red dirt, rain, uncomfortable transportation, termites, cockroaches (and plenty of other bugs), and even uncomfortable benches in church. The house needed attention, the luggage needed to be found, and everything around seemed distressing. In a word, it all seemed worse. Not only was it worse than the U.S., it was worse than Estonia as well. Several weeks ago, self-assessing my difficulty in having a good attitude in this new place, I realized that I had completely hopped over a key step in my cultural adjustment. The reason for this remains unclear to me. Perhaps I was so wrapped up in saying good-bye that I never prepared myself for the next step. Perhaps I never took time to anticipate the good that God had in store for me. Whatever the reason, I failed to see anything good, quaint, or lovely.

...engaging
Thus, I resolved to fall in love with Cameroon. After all, isn't love really more than infatuation, but a matter of the will? I asked God to change m vision, to help me see the lovely, to notice the praiseworthy, to help me grow to love the people of Cameroon. And amazingly enough, my perspective is changing, not by leaps and bounds, but in small increments each day. A mother steps gracefully, baby bound to her back, bundles in each hand, as she walks home from market balancing her groceries for the week on her head. The me, women, and children of our campus chat cheerfully as they parade past our home each morning on the way to carry water home from the campus well. Our cook laughs heartily at the antics of our four-year-old, and relates stories of her own family. I see cheerful, friendly, laid back yet hard working people. The 400 students sing with gusto and dance enthusiastically as we begin our weekly vespers service, praising God with all their hearts, our small chapel resounding with the beat of the drums. And I am glad. Glad to be part of these lives, these ones who will one day lead the churches of Cameroon. Glad to praise God alongside them. Glad to embrace the challenge of living here. Glad to know that God can change my heart too. Glad to see a glimmer of love beginning to grow in my heart. The "God of peace" is still with me, as He promised, offering peace to me in the place where He has transplanted me.

Standing

“The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught. The Sovereign Lord has opened my ears, and I have not been rebellious; I have not drawn back.” Isaiah 50:4

...morning by morning

Moving to Africa, selling and giving everything we owned in Europe away, saying good-bye (for a second time) to a familiar life, and settling into this place has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Waking to horns and roosters and calls to prayer at 5:30 or 6:00 has been an adjustment (my mom will tell you I’ve never risen this early on purpose one day in my life). Seeing the dirt and grime and trash and poverty so obviously around me every time I step out the door (okay, I don’t even always have to step out the door) is not a lifestyle I would have chosen for myself. Setting up a home in a house where the key word for everything is “temperamental” (translate: has been broken for years and rarely works), mildew abounds, and needed a thorough cleaning has required hours of elbow grease, scrubbing, and painting (of course with inferior quality supplies – the epitome of made in China).

… He wakens my ear to listen like one being taught

This month has been one for me to learn again what it means to follow Jesus wholeheartedly, to say yes again to all He wants me to be. He wants me to humbly say “yes” to the surroundings He has placed me in. I thought I was submitted as I said good-bye in Estonia, but realized that I’ve much yet to learn when I glimpsed the place where I must settle into. I am being taught to say “yes” to cement floors, to say “yes” to a much needed fireplace that doesn’t work (fills the house with smoke) even when we are desperate to heat this mountain home, to say “yes” to constant grime, to say “yes” to hauling water when the tank runs dry, to say “yes” to no electricity much of the time, to say “yes” to lack of internet connection except at the internet room on campus on weekdays when the electricity is on, to say “yes” to humility (having the same attitude as that of Christ Jesus)

…an instructed tongue

We came to teach. Brian has scheduled the lectures and assignments. Students arrive daily. But we realize that we must continue to listen in order to be effective. We must listen to the Holy Spirit’s direction in our own lives. We must learn and be “instructable”. He impresses humility upon us. He gives us opportunity to give to overwhelming needs around us instead of spending on our own desires for comfort. He gives us opportunity not just to say “yes” but to live “yes” with graciousness, without bitterness, and in so doing He molds us into His likeness a little bit more each day.

…I have not drawn back

I want to agree with Isaiah, “I have not been rebellious; I have not drawn back.” I rebel at moments. I tell myself that I can’t do it. Sometimes in my weariness, I wish to draw back completely, to quit and go home, to find a comfortable place to live. But at the same time, God in me sustains me and strengthens me and gives me the courage to yet again, say “yes”. But oh, how I long to not be rebellious, to not draw back from the opportunities God has given us in any way, to run my home in a way that frees Brian to effectively teach. Every morning, I submit myself again to God, drawing near to Him, and not drawing back from the tasks, the people, the place to which He has called me.

…to know the word that sustains the weary

So, no, it’s not all gloom and doom. Bright spots do encourage me each day. God’s blessings abound in my life, although ignoring them allows me to wallow in self-pity from time to time. He sustains us in the small and enormous ways. So, at the risk of sounding trite, I list them for myself each day so that I remember how great is my God, how much He has done for me:

He saved me, gives me a hope and a future.

We have food, abundant, healthy, and good-tasting on our table each day (prepared by a lovely cook).

Our family is together and healthy, all are adjusting without rebellion to this new place.

Our roof doesn’t leak (except when the rain is really strong).

The morning fog as it lifts from the mountains around us is quite lovely (and I am awake to see it, thanks to those roosters)!

The sun each morning dries my laundry.

I have the finances with which to buy paint and fabric to beautify my home.

Brian’s suitcase finally arrived (containing a computer and all his dress clothes) in time before classes started.

The stars at night stun me with their clarity when the electricity is off and nothing else lights the sky.

I found two lovely and comfortable cane chairs, and a fellow missionary donated time and plants so that now I have an oasis on my front porch where I can sit and read or chat with a neighbor.

Some ladies in an unknown church sent towels and linens “to the missionaries” and a few of them came to me through a sea container sent months ago – what a precious gift to have a few new and beautiful items to cheer up my home.

Our colleagues continue to help, encourage, and lend whatever we need. It is good to pray together, and to be part of a team, to have a specific and measurable job each day.

…etc. etc. etc. God has abundantly met our needs through His word, through the material things around us, through the people around us, through you and your prayers on our behalf. He sustains us when we tire out. He instructs us. He is worthy. He is.

P.S. So, for those of you who have, thankfully, noticed my absence – please, keep praying. I have been silent, learning, growing. God has not been silent, molding, teaching, changing me to be more like Him.

Waking

“I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8

…leaving
Friends brought (and cleaned up) a smorgasbord breakfast. Mattresses (the only furniture left in our house) given to our pastor’s wife and tied onto the cars. The house swept out for the last time. Garbage placed by the garage awaiting removal by another friend. The keys left on the table for the real estate agent. Tears streamed as we hugged dear friends. And a prayer of blessing by our pastor sends us with love as we stepped into the car for our last drive through the peaceful and lovely Estonian countryside.

…sobbing
The three hours we planned for checking in was just enough for checking in 18 pieces of very overweight luggage without worry about time constraints. Time enough remained to spend with our very special friend, Heili, as she sent us off with yet more hugs at the airport. The reality and finality of our decision set in as the tears turned to heart-wrenching sobs as we watched the familiar Estonian coastline disappear from the airplane windows. My sadness is stabbing through my heart, but it doesn’t match that of our children. I’ve said good-bye too many times already, unlike our children, who must do it for the first time that they remember. Our Lissy has never once left Estonia without tears, not even for a vacation, and once again I realize how God has given her an incredible love for this land and this people.

…transitioning
Islands we’ve visited many times gradually fade away, and my heart is finally able to turn to that which awaits us in a new country, a new home. How can I do this one more time? How can I allow myself to serve and love and open my heart to the possibility that comes with it for this kind of pain again?

…awakening
Several hours later we step onto the flight which will take us to a new homeland. As we stand in line, each of our children in turn whispers to me (or says out loud in our now quite secret language of Estonian) about the sea of dark faces. We’ve never been so obviously different before. And already as we fly God our hearts begin to awaken to what he has for us. Sarah sits next to an adorable baby and his mother on the plane. She and I get to hold him and care for him so she can stretch her legs. As we wait over two hours for luggage (aka all our earthly possessions/everything that is dear to us) that never arrives, Grace waves, smiles, and blows kisses to her new “Cameroonian friends” who watch and wave back, grinning from the gallery above. Lissy begins her collection of animal stories in Africa by observing the decimation of a mouse under the janitor’s foot. And Nathan waits on the empty carousel sharing one earphone of his MP3 player with the lady who came to meet us at the airport.

…waking
God grants us a peaceful rest. As I awake and walk in the garden of the guest house, childhood memories of Indonesia flood my mind – so many similarities. The girls take a morning dip and our hearts are nudged open just a crack to the new possibilities he has for us in this land and people, new to us, but loved long by him.

Presence

"Submit yourselves, therefore, to God.... Draw near to God and he will draw near to you." James 4:7-8

...attendance
Attending a birthday party or sending a card. Giving a hug to your mom or sending an email. Holding my niece in person or seeing a picture. Being there or not. Present or absent. We appreciate when someone is with us in spirit, but it is oh so much better when their bodies come along with them. To laugh and chat at the birthday party. To feel mom's arms around me. To look into the eyes of the newborn niece. We experience the difference between presence and absence of special people in our lives daily.

...absent
Two days ago, we were present for the last time with our church family here in Estonia. Breaking bread together, encouraging one another, spending time together, knowing that we will be absent in these family celebrations from now on. We shed buckets of tears and used plenty of tissue. We hugged and sniffled our way through so many good-byes. They will feel our absence and we will feel theirs. Our brothers and sisters in Estonia sent us as we embark on a new mission with love and encouragement. Our pastor gave us a very timely reminder about God's presence in our lives.

...present
How sad it would be if God were not present. How wonderful when we experience his arms of love around us. "Submit yourselves, therefore, to God. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." His nearness is so precious, the reality of God so reassuring. But until we lay everything on the altar, submitting completely to his will in obedience, drawing near to him on his terms, he does not reveal his presence completely either. We cannot prove the delights of his love until we choose to trust and obey. We walk through this week of good-byes sensing the absence of dear friends already. We walk in obedience and trust, and God's nearness, his powerful presence enfolds us, surrounds us, and allows us to carry on in hope. He attends me. He shows up, in person. He, the maker of heaven and earth, chooses to reveal himself and draws near to me.

Cushion

"The Lord will keep you from all harm—He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." (vv. 7-8)

July. Our month of comings and goings. And in the midst of it all, my sister sent me this encouraging note. Coming from an MK who moved after 9th grade, she's the only one I know who may truly understand how my daughter, Lissy, feels about our going. Transition stress is also a current experience for her. She understands me better than she knows.

Just want you to know I've been holding you up in prayer today. I am trusting God to bring buyers for your car and house and to help you get everything done without feeling too stressed in the next couple weeks. But mostly I pray for your heart. I can't really imagine all the emotions which must flood into your mind and heart throughout each day, but I'm sure they are a jumble of sadness, anticipation, apprehension, grief, etc. Although I can't say I totally understand, I do remember vividly what it was like to stand on the steps of the Garuda plane looking back at my "homeland" knowing I would never see it again . . . and then crying all the way to Jakarta. I had only had a couple weeks to absorb the news, and I think I was still stunned. I know God has given you a love for the land and people of Estonia, and it must wrench your heart to say good-bye to it all . . . and yet there is so much ahead which will be fulfilling, but still unknown, and different . . . I pray that He who created your heart will sustain and cushion it during this transition, and that He will do the same for each of your family. I know He is big enough to carry Lissy through the unknown and use this year to draw her closer to Him. I know He is big enough to give you the wisdom, grace, and strength to face a new country and climate and culture and language. I know He is big enough to enable Brian to teach a bunch of classes he has never taught before. I know He is big enough to be all that you need. I saw a phrase yesterday which says it better that I can: "I know I am not, but I know I AM." I pray that you will know the empowering and tender compassion of I AM today. I don't even pretend to understand what you're going through, but I do understand a jumble of emotions while following God in trust to an unknown place . . . I hope these promises from Psalm 121 will encourage you today: "The Lord will keep you from all harm—He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." (vv. 7-8)

Yes, God will sustain and cushion our hearts. He will watch over our lives. He watches our going from Estonia. He watches our coming to Cameroon. And I believe this cushion is softer because people like my sister and dear friends in our supporting churches take the time to pray and to encourage us. I know I am not capable to bring my family through this, but I know I AM, and I AM is watching me, creating a pillow for each of our hearts.

Living Simply

"For to me, to live is Christ." Philippians 1:21

...enriched
An Estonian proverb tells us, "You are as many people as languages you know." Of course, many Estonians fluently speak as many as five languages. They understand how one is enriched by living in a new culture. So shouts the question, "Who are you after eight years of knowing Estonian? Are you different than when you began the language learning process?" Often as I reflect, I wonder if this process of "missions" has been more for my benefit than that of those around me. Missions by nature must be others oriented, but perhaps I'm the one who has grown the most.

...living simply
I have learned to live simply. To simply live before God, honestly, using my own gifts, not trying to pretend. I am only Stephanie and I simply offer who I am to God each day, allowing him to use me, my time, my resources, my relationships for his purposes. It would be so easy to become discouraged, wishing I was more outgoing, like the missionary who left the field right before I arrived, or a more capable starter of great things, or a more effective mobilizer of people, or... But I am simply me, and if God so chooses to use me at all, I am content.


...worshipping simply
My personal worship has evolved as well. I have learned to live simply in worship, to present myself to him seriously and with awe, to bow (literally) before him in prayer, to lift my arms in praise. The two churches we regularly attend approach worship very differently. In one, I experience the awesomeness of God, the seriousness of my sin, and my great need for forgiveness. We bow humbly in prayer, we solemnly sing in minor key, and we rarely speak to one another until the service is over, concentrating completely on a relationship with the living God. As we enter the other, we experience the value of relationship with one another and the freedom to express our joy in worhip. The gratitude overflows from our hearts expressed in heartfelt (and often very loud and rythmic) song. We dance and lift our arms in joy! Very different, but both important in true worhip. I have learned from both to worship simply and honestly, with no pretence or pride or worry about what others may think of the ways I express myself. The position of my body expresses the state of my soul before God.

...living simply with less

I have learned to live simply in material things, not holding on to that which is non-essential. In a country where many families share a small one bedroom apartment, we see how little is necessary, how much is luxury. In a country where shops are not filled with unlimited choices, we eat simple food and wear the same thing several times a week. We enjoy nature and take pleasure in being with the people around us, rather than depending on entertainment options to keep us busy. Living with low expectations frees us to really glory in moments of luxury from time to time. Living with less frees us to concentrate on eternally important aspects of life.

...simply living

I have learned to simply live, not filling our time with unnecessary pursuits, but maintaining priorities which are pleasing to God. Coming from a country where we sign our children up for any number of activities, taxi them around, and generally just spend a great deal of time doing, I have learned a great deal here about "being". Estonians gladly take their month of vacation and go nowhere. They rarely overstress about getting things done. (Yes, I have noticed the downsides of this mentality, but lessons for simply living also abound.) We have learned to limit our choices as a family, not because there is nothing to do here or to be involved in, but limiting ourselves to a few involvements enables us to live more intentionally as a family, as witnesses in our community, as part of the family of God.

... simple solitude
I have learned the simple beauty of quietness, of space for the soul, even in busy places. I can pass any number of people as I walk without interruption of my thoughts (no passing greetings). We are able to shop in a busy grocery store and no one would think of commenting about my baby or the weather. In a place that seems unfriendly at first glance, I now understand that silence is truly golden. When I visit the USA, I find myself mildly irritated when a stranger interrupts my thoughts while I'm out walking. Have I grown unfriendly? No, I have learned the sereneness of solitude.

...simply me
The core of who I am has essentially changed by the years I have spent delving into this place with these precious people, my friends. But am I two different people as the proverb seems to say? No, I will never again be the person I was when I arrived here. I am a simpler, less complicated person, able to live more purposefully, more intentionally than ever before. I desire a simple life, living simply for Christ.

More Faithful than the Dawn

"For he is the living God and he endures forever: his kingdom will not be destroyed, his dominion will never end. He rescues and he saves; he performs signs and wonders in the heavens and on the earth. He has rescued Daniel from the power of the lions." Daniel 6:26-27

...questions
"You must be terribly frazzled, with so much to do." "How are you coping with the change?" Questions like these arise daily. With so many unanswered questions, changes, things to do, sales to make, items to pack or ship, people to say good-bye to, I cannot deny the logic of the question. Our once routine life has undergone a serious overhaul in the last few weeks.

Daniel must have faced enormous stress and frazzle when he discovered the plot of the other leaders to depose him by feeding him to the lions using his habit of faithful prayer to trip him up.

...answers
"Actually, I don't feel stressed at all. I'm sad, but not frazzled. We are experiencing an amazing measure of God's peace in our lives." In spite of discovering the wrong birth date on Nathan's passport, in spite of selling some things that are precious to me because of the memories they hold, in spite of a huge number of unanswered questions pertaining to our work and life in Cameroon, in spite of the emotional meltdowns of our 11 year old, in spite of the lack of a buyer for our home and good car, in spite of all this and more our hearts are at rest. We are grieving, yes, but frazzled, no. We are in the middle of a month of "lasts". Our girl's last dance performance, something they will miss incredibly. Our last drive in the good old rusted cargo van, which God used to provide for so many of our needs when we first arrived here. Our last Midsummer's Eve celebration around the fire, grilling with friends. Saying good-bye to a life and friends where we thought we would stay until we retire saddens us. But disturbing the peace? No. God has left our hearts at rest. He has pointed the way clearly, and we willingly follow.

Daniel also exhibits a heart at rest. What did he do when he discovered the plot? Nothing except what he always did. He got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before. What did he say as he faced immediate death by hungry lions? Nothing. Only the king, greatly distressed, made every effort to save him. I've been reminded by this story that in spite of the change or stress surrounding me, to simply carry on and trust. Sounds simple, and really it is much simpler than it seems. Really, we are doing no more than we have done every day for the past 10, 15 years. We are simply following the Ancient of Days' leading for this day, doing what he has ordained for us to do today. We are praying daily, raising our children to follow Him, meeting with the people around us, being salt and light as best we know how, and carrying on as always.

...how
"How can you be so calm?" Because the God who shuts the mouths of lions hasn't changed. A beautiful Estonian song says, "More faithful than the dawn which from time (past) to time (future) the sun brings to the skies, You are, You are. More faithful than the moon, which causes the tides to ebb and flow on the seashore, You are, You are. You are faithful, Lord, never forgetting your children, always good, incomparable Savior. You are faithful, Lord, our life's able guide, great creator." Our hearts are at rest, not because we are able, but because we trust in a living God. He is more faithful than the dawn, than the moon. He is my life's able guide. And most of all, He simply is. He is.

Simple Pleasures

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

...remembering
Walking trails, bright starlit nights, and friends who gave me a sense of rootedness in Ogema, Wisconsin. Air shows at the Lake Michigan beach, the skyline, the intricately placed Christmas lights on the tree lined streets, and the view of tree branches out of my living room window in Chicago. Enjoying the still waters of the lake and watching muskrats from the deck of my parents' vacation home. The flower beds and manicured lawns of my parents' suburban home where we spent our last home assignment. Simple pleasures to be remembered long after the furniture is sold or given away. In each place God has met the needs of my soul for beauty and quiet moments.

...enjoying
Earlier this week, we published on our church list some household furniture and items to be sold. Amazingly, within three days almost every item has found a new home. All the buyers are willing to wait for pickup until we are close to leaving at the end of July. God has been providing for all of our needs through this. Not only does he meet our financial needs, he provides for my need for quiet moments as well, times to refresh my soul. As I went through the process of parting with our stuff, I was reminded of the simple pleasures I enjoy here. I spent an afternoon at a very beautiful beach, shallow and safe for the kids, not too hot, with fountains to play in. I sat drinking tea in my lovely garden enjoying the peonies, lilacs, and hostas. Grace snuggled on my lap as we watched the clouds and she burst out, "Thank you, God, for the sky." I went on a walk with Brian at 10 pm along the river and it was still light - what wonderful long summer days we have here. These are the things that I will miss and remember as we move on.

...anticipating
And as I make room to enjoy these moments in our schedule, I wonder what are those special times going to look like in Cameroon? How is God going to provide? He is my gloriously rich Father who provides not only spiritually and physically, but emotionally as well. "Thank you, God, for the simple pleasures and quiet moments in my life!"

"To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen." Philippians 4:20

Finishing with honors

"But Daniel resolved not to defile himself..." "To these four young men God gave knowledge and understanding of all kinds..." Daniel 1:8, 17

...honors
The good-byes have begun already. We still have two months to wrap up our work, but with the end of the school year, we are faced with summer vacation (hurray!) and with a few final good-byes. Last week we finished art and music classes. This week the girl's choir performed for the last time. And yesterday, Nathan completed his second year of Estonian national school with honors, among the top students in the school. Proud parents thrill to see him excel in a second language. Have you ever written poetry in an adopted tongue? Are you able to quote the old proverbs in two languages? Our eight year old can.

...behavior counts
We realize that academic excellence is wonderful, but not everything. Our pride grows as we see that not once in two years has Nathan received anything less than a perfect score for behavior. He has been graded weekly. Our young man has "resolved not to defile himself" and has gained the favor of his classmates and teachers. God has given him "knowledge and understanding of all kinds." And no, it has not always been easy with no teacher supervision during recess and classmates who clearly have no respect for God's way of doing things. He has figured out how to navigate a shame-based school system with grace and humor. He has prayed for his classmates daily this entire year, that God would save them and show them the way to know Him. Even an eight year old boy recognizes that a "child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right."

...God's goodness in action
So, after cleaning out a very messy desk and collecting most of his things (we are missing a winter coat and one pair of gym shorts), we had to say good-bye to a very lovely teacher. In Estonia one teacher stays with the students from 1st through 4th grade, so this has been his only schoolteacher so far. And so, as I thanked Nathan's teacher, a very typical and very reserved Estonian lady with whom I have never spoken on a personal level, I was shocked to see tears well up in her eyes. She initiated a big hug, and expressed her sadness to see Nathan leave her classroom. Apparently, he will be missed, not just because he earns honors as a student, but because God has used him to bring a measure of God's goodness to a class of 2nd graders. His teacher noticed a difference.

Sometimes we do not see the effects of living a pure life or the answers to our prayers. Are we willing to live "holy", separated, in a foreign land as Daniel did? We are all foreigners in this world, no matter where we live. My boy reminds me to "resolve not to defile" myself, to live "holy". How else will our neighbors, friends, and acquaintances see God's goodness in action?

Resilience

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17

…change

Our family will have lived in three countries during the course of one year, none of them being our “passport” country. Talk about change. Sure, these changes provide wonderful opportunities that many people only dream about. We’ve ridden a cable car to the top of the Alps, wandered around medieval castles, and walked the path where the Berlin Wall once stood. We’ve attended a wonderful training course, taught Good News Clubs in towns that have no gospel witness, and provided web-sites where untold numbers of people, both children and adults, can investigate Christianity on an on-going basis. Wow! Experiences beyond our imagination await us in Cameroon.

…resilience or rupture

But with these opportunities comes an incredible amount of change, myriad good-byes, and untold grief. I recently reread lots of good advice about dealing with transitions for “third culture kids”. It’s filled with practical pointers on how to say good-bye and create an atmosphere to positively deal with all these changes. One article talks about “nurturing resilient children” and I wonder how can I raise resilient kids when I wonder if am resilient enough to make this next move? Webster’s defines resiliency as “the ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change, the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress” and resilient as “capable of withstanding shock without permanent deformation or rupture, elastic.” Am I capable of withstanding the shock of yet another move or will I be deformed or rupture? Will my children recover their shape after this kind of stress? Are we as a family able to adjust easily to change?

…shifting shadows

Isn’t it good that God does not change? In all of our change, I read in James that God gives good and perfect gifts. He does not change like shifting shadows, or like the number of daylight hours in Estonia. He remains the same in all our changing circumstances. It is only in this truth that we move forward hopefully in spite of all the dismal predictions for people who face repeated change. He who was faithful to my parents when they served in Indonesia, who was our provider when we had no money to buy groceries, who was our companion in years of serving here, practically as the sole missionaries, will be faithful yet again. Yes, I will do my part to act on all the great advice given by those who have already walked this path. But ultimately, I cannot be elastic enough to meet all the needs of my children and our family without the unchanging Father who will continue to be faithful and good.

Passports and Sparrows

“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Matthew 10:29-31

…details

Are there two empty visa pages in my passport or none? (There were none, but now I have about 20.) Do I get to my appointment at the consulate 15 minutes early (and have to stand outside and wait) or on time (and go right in?) Do we have the proper vaccinations or not? (No, it takes 3 different appointments over the next two weeks.) Do I have a US address to put on the application? (Thank goodness for parents!) Do I mark “tourist” or “visitor” on the application? (Our friends in Cameroon know this one.) Does DHL know the location of my package containing six passports en route to the United States or is the package lost? (We haven’t tried this one yet.) Do the six passports get through the visa process in time for the flights that have to be prescheduled or not? It’s all in the details. Crazy as it seems, we plan to send our passports on a very long, but relatively inexpensive journey to the Cameroon embassy in the United States while we stay in Estonia. The alternative, all six of us traveling with our documents to the USA, is much more costly and time consuming.

…sparrows

“His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.” The words to this old song hummed through my head and reminded me that he sees, knows, and cares. I trust that he watches not only how many hairs are on my head, but that he watches my passport fly across the sea, that he watches it arrive safely in the embassy, and that he even sees it get stamped with all the right stamps and sent back in time to assure us safe arrival in our new home.

…my worth

“Are you not much more valuable than they?” If God knows enough to provide food for the sparrows and clothes for the flowers, can he not do the same for me? As the song goes,

"Let not your heart be troubled," His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Roots

"May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love, and may you be able to feel and understand, as all God's children should, how long, how wide, how deep, and how high his love really is, and to experience this love for yourselves, though it is so great that you will never see the end of it or fully know or understand it. And so at last you will be filled up with God himself." Ephesians 3:17-19 TLB

"Good people will prosper like palm trees,
Grow tall like Lebanon cedars;
transplanted to God's courtyard,
They'll grow tall in the presence of God,
lithe and green, virile still in old age."
Psalm 92:12-14 the Message

May 11, 2008
Sunday morning, Mother's Day

...withering
There is no service at our church today, canceled for a family day. Often we are disappointed by the commitment to worship of our chosen church family here in Estonia. Other churches do have services more regularly, but this one needs us and the stability we offer. But on mornings like this, I resonate with Brian's statement that "we are withering on the vine here." Often we long for fellowship with like-minded Christians. This is one of the reasons that spurs us to move again, in spite of the great need here.

...transplanting
Pulling up roots again. As an MK, we pulled up and moved several times. I'm sure my mom understands the upheaval of transplanting to a new place, culture, and language, again. As a young mom, my roots grew quickly and easily in the fertile soil of our church family in Ogema, Wisconsin. A transplant two short years later to Chicago wasn't so easy. I was exuberant when God reassigned us to the very sparsely populated and beautiful country of Estonia. And my roots have grown again, slowly, ever so slowly, as I have painstakingly learned a hard language so that I can make friends. In the process we purchased a little spot to call our own and I began planting a garden. My perennials are beginning to look like they belong, sort of like me. And yet, so many things are foreign here - I have never felt completely at home. Still, I stop to visit for an afternoon with a friend, and I come home with a headache. It's hard work to listen in my adopted language. So I have longed many times as we contemplate this next assignment that God would give me a place where I can just stay until the end of my life. No more transplanting, please!

...the soil of God's marvelous love
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I read this translation of Ephesians 3 a few weeks ago. It occurred to me afresh that the roots of my soul will never be satisfied in a place, no matter how conducive to growth it may be. Only when I put my roots down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love will I be filled with God himself. Only when I allow myself to be transplanted into God's presence will I grow tall, lithe, green.


...flourishing
So this mother's day, I thank God for a mother who satisfies the roots of her soul in God's presence daily. And I pray that my children will understand the depth and width of God's marvelous love for them. I pray that as we transplant our family to a new place, our roots will remain steadfastly planted in God's presence, that my children will grow tall like Lebanon cedars.

Eternity in My Heart

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil – this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him. Ecclesiastes 3:11-14

May 10, 2008

4:37 a.m.

…a time to be silent

I rise with the light of a new day here in Estonia. Typically a late sleeper, today my heart is full with the truth of God’s beauty, his timing, and his completeness. As we conclude our eight years of service in this place, I am assured that God still sees me. Amazing! What he has done here will endure forever. Nothing is wasted in his plan – not one moment of language learning, none of the tears, not one telephone call or visit with a friend, not one fraction of loneliness.

…a time to laugh

Although I cannot see all of his purposes, I don’t need to. It’s not my job. I am simply to “do good” while I live. What better is there to do than God’s work? Gratitude wells up within me that I have had the opportunity to see God making my life and several of those around me beautiful over the last few years. And what a journey we are on as we follow him, this time to Cameroon. What is the next beautiful thing he is going to do in my life, perhaps through tears and weeping, perhaps through laughter and dancing?

…a time to uproot

Yes, we still have lots of questions. Why don’t more men revere him? Why has he allowed us to grieve the death of our dreams for ministry here in Estonia? Why do we need to uproot our family yet again? It is time to give up my search for answers and simply follow.

…a time to keep …a time to throw away

Packing comes next. How do I keep all the memories of God’s goodness? So much must be tossed, given away, or sold. The physical reminders will no longer be at hand, so in writing I erect memorial stones of my own to hold on to, to record God’s faithfulness.

…a time to speak

After months, no years, of upheaval in my heart as I mourn for the job we could not complete here, the realization that no matter how great the storm, God can calm it enters my heart. He knows when the winds blow too strongly in my life and at the right moment, he speaks. Thank you, God, for speaking this week. What may seem like a rash decision to move our family is the culmination of several years of storm. What a privilege to find satisfaction again in our toil. This is the gift of God.